ICDH

I woke up with a start at 8.30, and my taxi was due to pick me up at 9. 00 to take me to my course. Where the subject today was to be 'power and powerlessness' a subject I am very familiar with, as I seem to go through my life experiencing both extremes. If it be the nurturing love I feel when I get my little boy to eat all his breakfast, to the disappointment at discovering it an hour later strategically placed under the dining table :D

I think more seriously though, how totally powerless I felt when I had my disabling accident 22years ago. I had gone from being a 9 stone attractive woman, who had the world eating out of her palm. (i imagine, whether that was reality?) To a woman in a wheelchair, whose friends used to take it in turns to do the 'sleep over' duty, when my mum herself was at work. How crap that was, but I didn't in fact feel it at the time. And looking back now I just think how lucky I was to have such good friends.

About 7years after my accident, I still hadn't shed one tear!!! Until......When training to be a counsellor, I myself underwent 'Gestalt' therapy.

Anyway in this particular exercise I had to draw myself lying in a hospital bed with life support equipment turned on and wired up to me, a nurse sitting at the end of my bed etc, my boyfriend (crying) I had to individually say what each item in the picture was saying to 'me' And by the end of the therapy session, to put it mildly my problem of not being able to cry, well let's just say it wasn't a problem anymore. I guess the thing was I had never felt sorry for that vibrant 21 year old, who was involved in a serious Road Traffic Accident. It makes me go kinda melancholic now. And I 'm not sure what relevance that little gem of information had to power and powerlessness but I felt so much more capable of dealing with life's adventures. I dread to think what would have happened if I hadn't been able to cry, when my ex ran off wi my bezzy mate, if I hadn't been able to cry. I might have ended up with cancer or some other serious life threatening condition. I know, I suffered from gall stones and had my gall bladder removed. I attribute this maybe, to a build up of 'crap' 'bad' unable to be released, I was like a pressure cooker.

The example of feeling powerful and on top of the world was when I met my ex husband. He loved me so much he was willing to 'up sticks' and move to Sheffield from Glasgow, at the age of 17. For 4 years, I was so powerful, because 'image' stood for so much.

27th of June 1988

That image was shattered and replaced by the young woman connected to the life support equipment.But yet in a very strange way she was extremely powerful as she lay there. It was when that woman evolved and 'I' started to be born again, a new me who was no longer considered attractive and funny. I became known as 'Jocks' partner, I had lost my identity, I think unintentionally, he stopped loving me (although he cruelly claims he never did!!) If I was asked to go anywhere, I had to ask him if it was ok. He had total control! And everyone kept saying what a wonderful husband I'd got.

So now I've become the new me, solitary yes, but I'm happy. And I know todays blog entry has been a bit random. But I have to type whatever feelings it evokes at the time. And it's made me a bit tearful, but I am very proud and powerful in my own right. :)

I can't think of another now!! It all merges into insignificance. But I will say I feel better and more in control now, than I ever have. Because I now am self sufficient, my happiness only relying on my children. (The fact that they don't listen to me!!! is a different matter!)