Saturday, 27 February 2010
Urrrrrrgh, I just have had to cycle on the pavement in front of the shop, in order to head home. But some extremely inconsiderate person had blocked the pavement by abandoning their mobility scooter, on the path!!! Whilst they nipped in for some shopping, leaving no room for me to get round on Jezz, I had to get off and tip her on her side, and I felt helpless again!! Well no, I felt capable, because I managed, but it was crap having to do it on my own :(
I do love the comments that folk leave, they do make me smile. And I'm just in need of lots of those at the moment. I've just phoned Rob3 to see how the new trike is? No answer, and no email. I hope things are good.
Rob3 has been to collect his Di bassi, which is assembled with new sexy pedals, he's bought helmet, sunglasses and bike lock. It's got pride of place in his flat and he's gone to bed shattered to dream of happy times :)
Friday, 26 February 2010
I met Rob3, I do hope that things work out for him. I knew the emotions he was experiencing, all the doubts and fears, if things didn't work? It wouldn't be because he didn't want it, or because folk hadn't tried. I'm not kidding the jungle drums had beaten through the cycle fraternity, and everyone had given advice. (!!!!hey I've just looked up fraternity, which implies FATernity, and it that it's overweight people-sorry). I cycled home, discovering a cycle path behind the shops, which cut out a massive hill:) - nice.
Once home, Julie Andrews and my cleaner were in to applaud my efforts, I'm such an attention seeker. I zoomed off to get my children, which took 10 mins, maximum. (It used to take 25 mins on Gretel) It took 3 mins to get home. I do wish they'd repair the huge f* divots in the road, and properly, instead of bunging a bit of cheap ash felt in. Which shrinks and cracks with the cold!!! (rant over)
Anyway, Im not sticking to the story.....again. Received word from Rob3 that his trike had arrived in the shop, and he was going to collect it in the morning :) I'm so excited for him!!!! I texted Steve, and told him. And to be honest he was just as happy with the buzz I got out of it, and the fact that it was the ripple effect. From him investing in me :)
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
I arranged to meet Rob3 for coffee on Friday, (hey I'm gonna cycle as well) My friend Karen called who I used to work with at a psychiatric hospital, when I was 21. And then I slept :D Sometimes I need to do as my body tells me.
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
The subject of the meeting- how to get more folk with disabilities to be Health Champions, I volunteered, (much to the delight of Nigel) to be kind of an outreach worker/champion.
Kev, and Dave are keeping me in the picture about whats happening on the ICF inclusivecyclingforum.org.uk
Because I am incredibly nosey.
I love you all, and thank you for being my soul mates. Eeeeeek, that sounds tragic!!!
It's Tesco Tuesday and Pat the bus driver had text me to ask if he'd to wait for me ;) I was going, but then Steve (ctc) phoned, and well the best laid plans get urmmmmm laid off. He wanted to collect Gretel, (the tricycle) Wow, it was strange watching Steve ride off, (just to the bottom of the drive mind ;) ) 'This feels dangerous' he laughed. And I wouldn't dare go on Gretel now, I was so brave to do it, I'm just so glad I stuck at it though, I bet a lot of folk able bodied and otherwise, would love Ziggy, but whether they'd have the determination, to ditch their vehicle, and ride Gretel for 5months, is another matter. I'm so glad I did though, my life has totally changed, and to say I rode her nearly everyday for 5 months. I only actually fell off twice.
I WILL be upset, saying goodbye to Jezz, because she has meant freedom with relative ease.
And yes Dave, I will take my trike on the train as soon as I get Ziggy, I don't wanna take this one because she aint got a chain guard over her sprocket. And It's a bit sharp :O!!!
Monday, 22 February 2010
I couldn't sleep last night, I was so excited about today, firstly I'd got my ICDH course, I'd got to leave early and take my trike to Independent Living Sheffield, to meet Steve Marsden (CTC) where we were going to feature in a DVD, from there I had to rush to school, fetch my children, go to the nurse, and then see the doctor. Durrrrrr!!!! What a total arse I am. I was in such a rush that I'd forgotten to get my keys off my wee girl who'd opened the door after school. So when I came out of the pharmacy and went to get Jezz, I could have cried, it was cold, my children were home alone, and I was alone, very alone, it was starting to get dark, poor Jezz was shackled to the hand rail outside the pharmacy. I hated this feeling, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel so helpless. It brought back memories of when my ex first left, and I wasn't capable of doing anything, no I'll rephrase that, I believed that I wasn't capable of doing anything because I was 'looked after'. And then kind of abandoned with 2 young children to look after, and I turned my life around. And I think thats what the DVD was for, to show folk what can be achieved with a positive attitude. Anyway, I digress as always. My son and daughter had big fights as to who was going to bring a spare set of keys up to the pharmacy, I had to use a cash bribery!!!
I had enjoyed seeing everyone this morning. I think everyone revealed a little more about themselves today, a vulnerable side. Because we all had to give ourselves a label, and lliterally stick the label that had been used to describe us at some point in our lives. I was quite moved by Tracy, who's label was 'spaz' because she's epileptic, the same as I am. But I'm so ashamed to say that when I was a child, I called my Dad a 'spaz' behind hios back because he was an epileptic. Talk about Kalma, because I've ended up an epileptic, fortunately well controled, but I had to go through the untimely seizures. Mmmmm I wonder how I'd feel about been called a spaz now?
We then had to do a spoof scene, of inapropriate behaviour and difficulties that our fictitious character 'Roger' might encounter, when paying an impromptu visit to his GPs surgery. Although everyone 'jested'. how frustrating to be like Roger, and feel so mis understood. Helpless even? Alone? maybe I could relate that to how I'd felt earlier.
I was generally touched today by peoples concern and care for me, I hope that they have learnt a lot from me, like I am approachable, not in the least bit pompus, I enjoy life to the full. As I too have learn t loads from them, like they are approachable and not all hostile like the area might suggest, and they too enjoy life, learning. And are incredibly sensitive. I have seen this displayed when someone has been upset, everyones rallied round, or when I forgot my sandwiches, immedietly someone offered to go to the shops for me, because I couldn't walk that far, and so a physically well person offered, to me this was displaying true empathy, because he imagined how helpless I had felt.
At lunchtime, my taxi arrived to take Jezz and I into town. And wow, it was great. There was a room with a small group of about 5 folk, including camera man and some kind of director guy. Ooooooooh and they were there for us!!! :) Hey do I sound egocentric? sorry for that I forget that folk actually read this :D
I'm actually quite pleased with how it went, and unlike when I did the radio slot. I think I remembered to say who'd helped me achieve my dream, of cycling to school.
Hey nearly forgot :) I waited outside for my taxi, I sat on Jezz, watching the world go by. And this paramedic on a push bike, came up to me and shook my hand saying, 'hello, you must be Caroline?' :) I've read your blog, I even printed it out to show the paramedics you thanked on New Years day, when you hurt your leg, and needed to call an ambulance. 'I'm Jonathan, David Bocking, and Steve's friend.
Oooooooops forgot to say, my leg is getting better, I'll try and get a photo up later. Even though I was prescribed 2 lots of antibiotics today, because unfortunately it's got 2 different bacterias in the cut. Hey and do you know what, it came in handy that I'm such an exhibitionist, because I could simply get out my phone and show the gp, a photo of the cut!!!
Do you know I've helped Rob3 find a trike? well Steve (CTC) went to see him this morning, so I feel I can hand over the reins now. But I've put such a lot of effort into helping him, to the point of checking folk out before I recommended them etc. Hey ho, I hope things are good for him.
I've got a meeting with the council tomorrow, supporting Nigel West, my health champion man. Who makes it all possible:)
Thank you to the blogging comments they are really apprechiated, it's like a community in itself :) To think A year ago, I would have never dreamt any of this. It's amazing!!!
Sunday, 21 February 2010
The snow, was indeed thawing by the time I set off, and wow it felt good. I had become such a slob, no wonder I had put on a stone!! Just think if I'd never started cycling and I hadn't met Steve (CTC) and never borrowed Jezz, from West Country Recumbents, I'm too embarrassed to say what my weight could be. Anyway, I nipped off to the local shops, to get emergency supplies (was it rations or wartime? because indeed the shelves were empty) but this trip usually takes 20 mins, an hour later I got in. Why???? because like a total arse, I'd forgotten to take the lock off again, when I'd reluctantly just threaded it through the back wheel, as my usual spot next to the purpose built bar was taken. I must have ridden about 20 yards using my heels to propel me, and my hands on the tyres, (like a wheelchair) I felt a right nerd. Are you laughing? I wasn't but I am prepared to smile about it now. How many more times will I do it?
Really looking forward to tomorrow now, unless we have another blanket of snow, all should go ahead. I've got college (beware for my philosophical understandings of the day in tomorrows entry) I get marked on my blog, so lets hope it's good. I'm finishing early because I'm meeting my security blanket Steve. Because Independent Living in Sheffield, want to make a DVD, featuring the story of how I traded in my lecy scooter, for a fab recumbent trike. I've got to take Jezz, they are conjuring up some image of Steve and I pedaling off into the sunset. Urrrrgh then I've got a taxi waiting to take me home, so I can cycle to school, then the Drs, for my 7th lot of anti biotics, but do you know it's taken 6 days for them to be able to sort me out an appointment!!! and I've phoned twice a day. But how silly, I have to come back an hour later to see the nurse. I think I'll torment my physiotherapist, who's next door, for an hour :)
I'm happy now I'm cycling again, and I've got my life back.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
My friend brought his son from Leeds, he caught 2 buses and 2 trains just to stop an hour, and to bring us some pressies back from Dubias (not fake passports either!!!) but how kind is that?
I'm right glad I advised Rob3 to order his Mission tricycle, through Recycle (CTC) because it arrived today. And the cheek of it, it was scratched and was covered in mud, clearly it was used. Fortunately Recycle are dealing with it (how good of them)
The children and I went to see Miriam in the pantomime, Treasure Island. Which was fantastically human spirited, complete with hecklers!!! namedly my son!!!
I bought Juie Andrews a bottle of Calva for her birthday. And for my sins....i haven't been out on Jezz again!! It really is a case of neccesity, if I don't need to go out I won't. Things have got to change soon, when the kids go back to school. Before I end up in an early grave.
And I've just ordered 'The C word' by Lisa Lynch, who is herself a blogger, that I stumbled accross. She offers an extremely funny, inspirational slant on life, herself battling with the dreaded 'C' word!!!
Urrrrgh I'm feeling fat, well liked and respected. But never desired ;) oooooh did I say too much?
Friday, 19 February 2010
Wow, my heads a bit busy. I feel a bit of a fraud, because it's all to do with stuff, around Inclusive Cycling and Cycle For Health, but I haven't been on Jezz since Tuesday, I'm such a wuss! brrrrrr .
I had a meeting at 1015 at Zest, where I am a Health Champ, so I discussed the benefits of being the only Champ with a physical disability. And how easy Nigel West had made things for me, but never letting me feel as if I was being 'looked after' I have had choices all the way. About what I needed, in order for me to continue being a succesful Health Champion.
I had to fly from there, in order to pick up some pantomime tickets, for Upperthorpe tomorrow. Miriam who looks after the HC, has a starring role. So it's good for me to be seen with my kids I think. and I want to support Miriam because she is kind.
11.00 I attended the Brain Injury Research & Rehabilitation Partnership, I've got to say for me personally it was a bit heavy going, concentration fact filing and paper work are not my fortei. I do feel that meeting and being 'pink and fluffy' and 'unicorns and marshmellows' , are my strengths.
Mark, the centre manager explained how it was 'head Injury week' in May, and we were having a bit of a display at the Town Hall. And how maybe I'd like to speak at it? about my interests besides BIRRP. Now I see this as a massive opportunity, to even things out a bit, as it is generally thought that brain injury treatment, is apposed to cycling. Or is that in my imagination, maybe it's all the cycling helmet posters and leaflets, hanging around the Rehabilitation Centre.
Oh 'Hi Dave' If you wanna pop in on the way back from your meeting, you are more than welcome.
Kev, let me speak with Steve on Monday about the suitability of venues for meets/sleeps in Sheffield.
And Rob1, I promise I will exercise Jezz tomorrow.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
I caught my party bus to tesco, bullied the driver into coming to the pub on Thursday. Hey I 4got to mention, I did get a valentines card yesterday :) From my neighbour though, does that count?
I bought some new 'jeggins' today, as my last pair were cruelly cut off me in the ambulance, to reveal the worst cut I have ever seen. On anybody let alone me!!! I remember at the time, when my leg was numb with cold and shock?? Saying, urrrrrrm thats nasty!!! is it my leg?
Anyway I've been summoned to the Drs, because my 6th lot of anti biotics aint done anything.
Am I boring :D I feel boring at the moment, but i'm happy :) and amused
Monday, 15 February 2010
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Went to visit my Mum in hospital, which always cheers me, but not if I think too deep, and dwell on the fact that today, it was my children's names she'd forgotten. I wonder when she'll not know my name?
I'm going all melancholic now, awwww but bless I've just been upstairs and my children have made cards and stuck them to my bedroom door saying I Love You. xx
Saturday, 13 February 2010
It was lovely seeing Fred, we like Fred in my house:) It was good putting names to faces, and I do wish I'd bought that bike for £35 that I was looking at for Julie Andrews. But I can't make everyonme share my enthusiasm!!
Thanks to everyone whose offered advice on Rob3s choice of cycle, because in Steve's absence it's been much apprechiated, I can tell you.
Friday, 12 February 2010
I'm sooo childish, my poor children, What kind of example do I set? My son's new teacher is called 'Mr Park-it' I did laugh a lot, and suggested that my son advice him to ask where his car was, well he ought to Park-it, in the car park, I told him to say. So when he has detentions all week, it'll be my fault!!
I cycled to the nurse and to the shops and to school, but it really isn't an effort anymore.
My children have got their heart set on calling my new trike Alaina but I think thats wussy. I want to call it Ziggy, what do you think?
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Aww Steve's not available for about 10 days. But he's like my security blanket as far as cyclings concerned, :(
Just went for a local ride . When will I go further? I'm a scardy, even more so since New Years Day.
It's a bit boring tonight, but hey I did get asked out for dinner on Valentines Day, for a nice curry. The guys ok too ;)xx
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Remember me talking about the 90year old guy, who helped my daughter with her school project? I nipped in the pub, on my way home, to leave a parcel of handmade gifts and thank yous, behind the bar for him. And cycled home, which felt good because it's so much quicker than my walking pace.
I had 5 minutes to spare before, the taxi arrived to take me to my Self Directed Support, guinea pig work. Which I do love usually, today was the best and it was a joy seeing some familiar faces.
I was asked if a couple of folk with disabilities could get in touch. So I was really pleased I'd taken my contact cards. Something really, nice hasppened at the end, the emergency social worker who came out to my home to visit my kids and I after my ex had left, was there today, she came upto me saying how pleased and happy she'd been when she had seen photos of me cycling. I've got to say she was very intuative to deduce from my state, what a dedicated Mum I am. When folk were questioning my capabilities. I arrived home to find Julie Andrews, cooking pancakes (i'd left out a choice of toppings) for 6 children :)
Monday, 8 February 2010
I think more seriously though, how totally powerless I felt when I had my disabling accident 22years ago. I had gone from being a 9 stone attractive woman, who had the world eating out of her palm. (i imagine, whether that was reality?) To a woman in a wheelchair, whose friends used to take it in turns to do the 'sleep over' duty, when my mum herself was at work. How crap that was, but I didn't in fact feel it at the time. And looking back now I just think how lucky I was to have such good friends.
About 7years after my accident, I still hadn't shed one tear!!! Until......When training to be a counsellor, I myself underwent 'Gestalt' therapy.
Anyway in this particular exercise I had to draw myself lying in a hospital bed with life support equipment turned on and wired up to me, a nurse sitting at the end of my bed etc, my boyfriend (crying) I had to individually say what each item in the picture was saying to 'me' And by the end of the therapy session, to put it mildly my problem of not being able to cry, well let's just say it wasn't a problem anymore. I guess the thing was I had never felt sorry for that vibrant 21 year old, who was involved in a serious Road Traffic Accident. It makes me go kinda melancholic now. And I 'm not sure what relevance that little gem of information had to power and powerlessness but I felt so much more capable of dealing with life's adventures. I dread to think what would have happened if I hadn't been able to cry, when my ex ran off wi my bezzy mate, if I hadn't been able to cry. I might have ended up with cancer or some other serious life threatening condition. I know, I suffered from gall stones and had my gall bladder removed. I attribute this maybe, to a build up of 'crap' 'bad' unable to be released, I was like a pressure cooker.
The example of feeling powerful and on top of the world was when I met my ex husband. He loved me so much he was willing to 'up sticks' and move to Sheffield from Glasgow, at the age of 17. For 4 years, I was so powerful, because 'image' stood for so much.
27th of June 1988
That image was shattered and replaced by the young woman connected to the life support equipment.But yet in a very strange way she was extremely powerful as she lay there. It was when that woman evolved and 'I' started to be born again, a new me who was no longer considered attractive and funny. I became known as 'Jocks' partner, I had lost my identity, I think unintentionally, he stopped loving me (although he cruelly claims he never did!!) If I was asked to go anywhere, I had to ask him if it was ok. He had total control! And everyone kept saying what a wonderful husband I'd got.
So now I've become the new me, solitary yes, but I'm happy. And I know todays blog entry has been a bit random. But I have to type whatever feelings it evokes at the time. And it's made me a bit tearful, but I am very proud and powerful in my own right. :)
I can't think of another now!! It all merges into insignificance. But I will say I feel better and more in control now, than I ever have. Because I now am self sufficient, my happiness only relying on my children. (The fact that they don't listen to me!!! is a different matter!)
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Called at Decathalon, purchasing some bike locks, for my children, so they have no excuse not to cycle to school.
On my return, I looked at Jezz and there she stood complete with flag pole!! :)
Saturday, 6 February 2010
I feel a bit hopeless in my search for Rob3s cycle :( I'm gonna try 'recycle' to see if they can build him one.
I'm on a downer today.
Friday, 5 February 2010
I met my children at the library, where I received many positive comments, I don't know why really because I was behaving like a right 'dolls ed'. I came out only to find someone had pinched my flag :( I take that quite personally as well, because everyone associates me with Jezz. (i will pay for another)
Thank goodness it's the weekend, Julie Andrews nippin round.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
I was chuffed today because I found Rob 3, a tricycle that he really liked. I feel really pleased that my gut feeling when I first read his article 2 weeks ago, looks like bringing him some positivity, and possibly a new life. I kinda wondered if I would mean as much to him as Steve (CTC) does to me.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
This am, I was bollocksed, so instead of joining my mates on the tesco party bus. I settled down for a kip, on the settee. I gave myself permission :)
I had to visit the nurse, I cycled without my coat it was a lovely day. Grim news at the Drs! yet more antibiotics, the 5th lot in 4 weeks. And as she took the bandage off, I swear I could smell it. (how attractive!!!!)
I then arrived in town for my 'guinea pig role' and because I'm a challanging 'pig' :) I was placed with certain Social Workers. who weren't terribley inspirational. I think they hoped some of my attitude would rub off on them, but isn't it supposed to be the other way round.
I'm just very happy I had a very young inspirational Social Worker, 2 years ago. Who had the forsight to make me be the first to go on Individual Budgeting, or Self Directed Support, as it's more commonly known. As I left town, with snow and hail beating on the window , how different from earlier. I noticed a cyclist, been forced to drive in the gutter. But do you know, I didn't see him again for a few miles, because he had kept moving whilst we had queued for miles in the heavy traffic.
I tried to be inspirational, but the negativity I had been experiencing had obviously worn off on me. Because I just couldnt do it when talking to Rob 3.
Monday, 1 February 2010
One of my negatives of the past 5years has been my ex husband leaving. I have never hated anyone as much as I did my ex bezzy mate, and now? I couldn't give a toss really, but why should I make things easier for her as she squirms past at the school gates? But anyway getting back to the subject....My friends helped me out a lot last week, taking me to the solicitors, collecting my children from school. And joining me in the pub later. Where we had to physically carry Jez down the steps. All of which had a direct influence on my health.
Speaking as a person with a disability, I would say that physical structure/landscape of my property is of up most importance. For example, I can't climb the stairs without a banister. I have ramps leading to my back door , so that I can ride my bike up to the shed at the top of my drive. If I wasn't quite needy, I'm sure that social services, would have never agreed to fitting a 'wet room' into my house and taking the bath away. If I had been a wealthy person, I could have had this fitted myself, but obviously it's needed. Because the council is paying, and why shouldn't I be able to shower, as easily as a non 'disabled person or a wealthy disabled person, whose paid for the wet room. Surely I have the same standards?
With me, big, big problems occurred a few weeks ago. When I was having to have the dressing on my leg changed quite frequently and there was snow on the ground, meaning I couldn't cycle, because outside my shed was so slippy although the roads were relatively clear. No one could comprehend, that I could jump in a taxi, even walk up my drive, but I couldn't get my trike to the road, leaving me helpless. Why isn't everyone capable of thinking outside the box just sometimes?
Can you imagine how hard it must be speaking to a Dr, about an embarrasing itch, or growth/pain. If you don't speak English?
I also am lucky now, (this sounds mad) but now all my money is mine, and I havent got a very extravegant hubby spending the food money. I can shop at Tesco, which is fairly good food. Not as good as Sainsburys, in terms of variety, I know. But I used to shop at Netto and Farm foods, when I was with my ex.
Have I written enough now Debs? :D
Thank's to Rob 1 for correctly identifying my new little project called Rob!! - I seem to have found my niche in life, and that is encouraging Robs to cycle. Hello Rob1,2 and 3
I spoke to Steve Marsden (CTC) who is so supportive of my new project.