It's all gone BLACK!!

How depressing the news is today, the Eve of The General Strike. I don't want to get political, because I don't understand politics, but Britain is just on a see saw, and it depresses me so, even though for the first time in 10 years, I feel fairly comfortable.

I'm so excited, remember the SDS Training team, which I joined? Training SW to complete the Individual Budget Assesment? Well do you recall the lovely Liz Salmon, who brought Strawberrys and cream to Hillsborough, with some non alcoholic bubbly, when the team tried out the cycles for themselves. Well she contacted me today, to invite me out on her leaving do, in December.I can't wait!! Kids are booked out for the night :) So far I've only got 2 Xmas dos on the Calendar....3 actually.

Cycled to the Post Office,where I spent 25mins getting stuff sorted, it's a good job she knew my ....'Challengers'. She was really interested in Head-Lines, so I promised to sell her one soon.

I met Lorraine and Lawrence in town today, mmmm I wish Lawrence was like me!!!! and he'd claim what he is entitled too. Unfortunately that's where SDS fails, I mean what happens if s'one is in denial?? and they just sink lower and lower, because they don't think they're 'ill' or disabled.

Brockwood phoned to ask, if I'd step in Friday, to help deliver SDS training. I will I'll just need to leave writing early.

disabled entepeneurs

http://www.disabledentrepreneurs.co.uk/ - I know the link wo'nt work, but you knoow what to do.

But I'll begin with telling you for the first time in a month I feel very lucky, and well thought of, and dare I say happy???? My lovely friend, mentor, and supporter has confirmed that 'Gripple' in Sheffield, are going to fund My transport to Hillsborough for a month. She's doing Individually what Altogether Better, want to do for Health Champions x 6 who have got worthy projects on the go.

Anyway back to Disabled Entepeneurs, Shane from there, who owns a company called 'mobityBuy.com' Anyway I gave him a rushed jumbled brief....yeah as if? I just said I'd send him some stuff, and he agreed to come to Hillsborough and try the cycles and meet me. But as Steve M reminded me, he wouldn't really apprechiate the magic,.If he came during winter when in theory it's closed. Steve M, sounds very poorly :(, he couldn't stop sneezing and spluttering!!

Brrrr!!!

I do maKE it A THING TO GO OUT ON zIGGY, EVERYDAY, EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO THE SHOPS OR PUB. But I aint today, instead I went wi my bruv, Sue, and Amanda, to visit my Mums 'Unmarked Grave'. Which, does seem strange? I'm sure many folk must go to the wrong grave, when visiting their loved ones for the first time. I mean if it hadn't have been for the Lil lies and Carnations that perished there, with a water logged card. Maybe we would have struggled? Any other day, I might have found it difficult to visit, but today, I was ok, I was feeling strong..ish. I really hadn't made a lot of effort with my appearance, choosing to go for the more 'Natural' look (it's my excuse for not bothering with Make up and hair)

I stood at the mound of earth, and let my imagination wander, to what was below that mound? I mean it had been there for 12 days, gruesome images of worms, and Mum being Cold and scared in the dark, flitted through my mind. But do you know what I could quickly dispel them, because I had witnessed Mums body, without Mum in it, on the day she had died. And I was glad I had.

So the Douglas women, (i am one really!!) went into town for a bit of retail therapy. Eeeek, I bumped in to Mark Skinner, who I'd finished with all those years ago for Jock!! I must have been mad, he's gorgeous! and an avid cyclist...and married....and a dad. We exchanged niceties, and I thought 'I wish I'd put my make up on and done my hair!!!

Write Way

I've been to the writing group, which is such a Positive in my life, it kinda makes me concentrate and think. Today's brain teaser? Objective Correlative? and Pathetic Fallacy? Which I understood after a while, but I don't really thing I'll use it too much in my Blog, as I tend to be a punchier writer, as apposed to being massively descriptive.

I can't really say, but I wish I could about the Characters within the group!! 1 is soooo bitter and twisted it is hysterical, because she seems to vent her anger towards me!!!But hey, I am Theresa, and the calmer Iam the stranger, it seems. Another man, is really having a bad time of things, so I'm taking him under my wing. (poor bugger)

Thank you Matt for making me laugh so much....You had to be there honestly!!and I will drag you for fishy Friday soon, .....at the Spit of course!!

I've picked up 6 copies for Kev and Bridgette, where can I send them?

Oh remember Miriam? Well the Star has found a Sheffield Company that will maybe sponsor me until March? If I want to go and help out with the CFH at Hillsborough, and the Mental Health Folk? Plus I'm sure there will be a lot of events, with it being around xmas. The company is a steel company called Grittle.

Yes, I admit it I phoned Steve M to thank him for yesterday, and he's invited me out for Xmas Lunch with his favourite staff, like last year. So Fred, Pam, Dave, Steve and myself will go to one of the Parks for lunch, which I will love.

Did anyone get the CTCs Cycle Clips? Follow the link below, it's interesting, (but I think youll need to copy and paste)

http://www.getcycling.org.uk/media/bikes-not-barriers.pdf

Urrrrm, that's it. xxxx

Proud

I was sooo proud that Steve spent all day at Hillsborough, because of me, and it was lovely that my friends Lorraine and boyfriend came and were enthused about what they saw, and who they met. It was nice that Nick knew the Lurcher rescue folk, and was gonna say nice things. It was absolutely gorgeous that Nick and David, the Park Ranger volunteer bought me a diary, and some Walnut whips. Ahhhhh it's all lovely :)

I came home to a meeting with my friend to discuss business stuff except I got pissed, I just can't handle my liquor!!!

I'll be more reflective tomorrow!!!

Love you all xxxxx

I am Selfish....

I mean, at least my family aren't dependant on Hillsborough, or cycling for any income. I mean poor Steve B and M, and the cycle trainers at Hillsborough, like Fred and Santa. Their household income is largely dependant, on what happens with cycling and projects like Hillsborough.

Just after my last post though, I made an enormous decision, that is a bit selfish and a bit luxurious? To continue, at Hillsborough and fund it myself? I perhaps won't take ziggy though, as that costs me an extra £10. And threes no point in me trying to ride to Dore, take the train, tram to Hillsborough and then back, with you Dave? Because It would have to be s'thing I could do on my own, and I'm not physically strong enough, sorry.

Ahhh bless, my wee children spent ages on Monday night getting their homework printed out. And I found it on the settee, after they'd gone. Knowing my little boys had to be in otherwise detention!! I nipped out to school with it. Hey he was so proud of me cycling to school. To give him his homework, bless him. (brownie points for me!!)

It's been another weepy day, :( I keep thinking about tomorrow, and wondering if I'll cry? I'd say it's odds on? (Well mi left eye will!!) I cycled up to the Deli shop, to get some nice nibbles for tomorrow. And I grabbed a coffee, whilst waiting, I rang Rhiann? Altogether Better? Kind of top of the ladder when it comes to different Organisations, employing different services, who employ a different Service, which 'Mentor me!!' and she spoke of how I needn't little support just this financial and there were 6 of us, like this. Anyway by March she reckons that we will be funding ourselves using a new charity, that she is setting up with our help.???? Plus I probably told some of you, but I've decided that if the worst happens, I will pay for it myself!! It may mean leaving Ziggy :( and borrowing a trike from Hillsborough.(I know it's a disgrace!! all taxis charge £5 per journey. Even if it's a wheelchair!!) And I've posted my Community Transport thing off!! So I'm confident I will be back, but the fab team won't be. It's bound to change :(

Cauliflower Ear

I'm afraid I gave Steve one this morning....a Cauliflower Ear that is!!

Having spent a good while on the phone with Sheffield Community Transport, this morning following Kev Hickmans, very helpful advice :) They said they would probably be able to take me and my trike to Hillsborough, in March? I know I should be jumping for joy! but I'm just a miserable git at the moment, and I've had so many false hopes. That I will wait and see.

Steve M returned my call so I continued to tell him everything that was happening in my life. Without pausing to draw breath I think. I reminded myself of a client that comes to Hillsborough, who does exactly the same. And then I stopped remembering the effect she has on folk.

And thank you Rob for your message of support, I know when I'm helping s'one with a disability cycle, it makes me do more. And I forget about MY problems, like my Mum not been here anymore.

My Left Eye!!.....is permanently crying, I know it's effected by my paralysis, but its as if it won't hide what I'm feeling inside. So I can be all pretentious, putting a brave smile on, but there's a tear rolling down my left cheek.

I know the only positive in my life is that Erin Hounds, are looking for me. Have I always been a miserable git?

I mean I should just be grateful, for the 2 and a half fantastic years that The CTC, Recumbent Cycling and Health Champs have given me.

The Little loop :)

I thought I'd start off easy! and make my loop really achievable, and yet useful. So off I set down the dual carriageway, ooooomph!!!! Wheeeee!! as I went, (but not actually weeing, you must understand!!) In 5minutes, I told you it wasn't far. I locked up quickly in order to save maximum time, and someone said 'Ahhh Caroline, I'm sorry about your Mum, I nursed her the night before it happened' I turned and there all dewy eyed, was one of Mums Carers, and that was it for 30minutes, we hugged and cried. I don't mean to cry every time I relive her last moments with us, but I do. Not because they were so gruesome? the opposite really, but because they were so beautiful, and dignified, like my Mum. Anyway gone was the stopwatch time!!!

I plodded back up the dual carriageway, towards home, cutting off on a side road so I could use the very easy labour saving Cycle Path, I like Cycle Paths :)

So the problem I have with a loop...is who I meet, and how long I talk for!!

Fantastic news though!! we had a home assessment by Erin Hounds, and they brought a hound, and guess what she was called? .....Ziggy :) She wasn't looking for a home though, much to my wee boys disappointment. We got talking about those dogs that were looking, and I said no to one, because bless it, it had had a rough time, and I didn't want a repeat of Morris :( the next was a Saluki, which was beautiful. She told me the breed, was rubbish at recall, and very aloof, so wouldn't really be suitable. Finally there was a 16 week old puppy called Bobby, who the kids fell in love with. I said maybe? he was a boy though, with bits at the moment too!!!! I've just received a phone call, and on further inspection, Bobby is just too big, he wouldn't even fit in my bike carriage!! So the search goes on, I'm in no hurry though this time :)

Friday 18th of November

I'm ok, when I feel useful. So I limped with a skip this morning? To the Write-Way writing group, (even if I'm only wanted for my blue parking badge!!!) We had a fab lesson, it's really great, there are now 9 folk in the group. And it's so safe, that folk feel ok, about 'Testing' out their new identities, (you had to be there!!!) I always used to pride myself as being quite a skilled writer (ok, ok Dave I know I lack a bit when it comes to being grammatically correct) But they are all so much better than I. (or should that be me? :D)

At 12 I was collected in a taxi, to go to Brockwood, where I worked along side Christine Barton, in offering Council Care workers a bit of knowledge on SDS, and what it's meant to my life for 4years.

I missed a telephone appointment with Disabled Entrepreneurs, I did try to rearrange, but they've not as yet. I wanted to promote, the success of Inclusive Cycling, and the Write-way. And how much better it makes me feel!!! ......sometimes.

I know I'm slacking!!

Thursday, and Hillsborough, didn't do it for me. I mean it was ok, and I did a fair bit, firstly with Sue H and Sue M....(I hope I got that!!)who are both similar to me in the fact that they are women in their 40's? who are Survivors of brain damage. But theirs caused by a Stroke, in both cases. As usual, we do about 4 laps of the park, and back to the Cabin, for a cuppa. Lawrence had arrived as we started, and I'd invited him to join us, he said he'd catch me later. Sue H was a fund seeker for worthy causes, so volunteered to join the Save Caroline at Hillsborough crusade.

She offered, I've given in now, as with most things.

I checked on Marjorie and Brian, as she is getting so much stronger, on the Low rider. Brian following her dotingly on a 2 wheeler.

The lovely Dave Santa arrived, to just cycle really and be on hand for anyone who needed him from the Mental Health group. Who I kinda tagged on with. After the butty run.

Ahhhhh, folk are so lovely about Lurchers, they are just so renowned for being gentle. I was discussing with Nick, that I was being home checked on Sunday, with a view to adopting one. He said, if Steve hasn't offered to give it a holiday home. You know I will.....If it's a Lurcher. And he has a 'Couch Potato' Greyhound, and a 18month old child.

I drove past Henliegh Hall, on the way home. I was tempted, to just get dropped off anyway, and cycle home. But I'd crammed in 2 other meets, in the spare time.(purposely, because I'm still not in a good place.) I was meant to be dishing out advice, an unpaid Consultant, for some friends setting up in the Care business. And then I cycled to the Spit, to meet Lorraine. We talked loads, and I cried....again!! But she did invite her and her boyfriend to Hillsborough the following week, with a view to her boyfriend taking me in his big Volvo Estate. (only temporary though)???

I am here, is anyone still there?

I thought I'd change my mood, by concentrating on my blog, for 10 mins. Because all I seem to be doing at the moment, is concentrate on what's slipping, and whats gone. I feel like Hillsborough, and my work as a Health Champ, is slipping away. And therefore loads of my relationships?My Bezzy mate of the moment, is back with his ex, so thats gone.

And we buried my lovely Mum yesterday.

My bruv, wrote and read 'Family Memories' I laughed and cried, they were brilliant. A crowd of us scraped the graveside mud, from our shoes, and went back to his for a drink.

And now? I feel totally at a loss, I don't feel needed, or wanted by anyone.

I will go to Hillsborough tomorrow, for the penultimate time. :(

It hasn't changed my mood I've just reminded myself why, I'm miserable.

Greenspeed Magnum?

As I'm a bit better off than normal due to having really struggled for 6 years, not knowing that I was paying £180 a month too much, into my Mortgage account!!! I must be shrewd!!!- not at all!! So because I've now got a bit extra? I looked at the knew Greenspeed today, so that I am mobile continuously, without pause, to get some one to mend a puncture etc.Hey they're a bit Sexy, and attractive, hang on I'll gi you the link.

http://www.greenspeed.com.au/pdfs/Greenspeed.Magnum.pdf

That doesn't look like it will work!!

I'm thinking about it, especially if Carol and Rob, of West Country Recumbents, are distributing, because they have been incredibly supportive.

The cost for a Magnum is £1876 and guess how much they weigh? ......2lbs!!!

I met some fab lurches today, all looking for a good home, the temptation is there, but I think it might be better if we waited to the longer days. And I know I said I didn't want one with a history, but the guy said...the dogs stay in Foster Homes, until they are adopted. And they won't let them go unless they are sure. So that's another thing occupying my little brain at the Mo. Avoidance? Maybe? I was bored on Friday, I haven't been bored for ages!!!

I'm happy

Perhaps a little insy bit jealous and threatened? By another brain injured man that I welcomerd and incoured to cycle, met many times at Millhouses, and encouraged to come to Hillsborough, I've even lent him my dog cart!!!! And he likes it so much he also wants to volunteer aty Hillsborough. And I know the more the merrier, but we are a good team as it is. Or am I just being very selfish?

Great day!!! lots of circuits of the Park, in the rain. but Hey we were cool :)

I missed not visiting my Mum after, but a visit from an old friend when I got home, made up for that ;)

mmmm a bit boring

All for love :)

Firstly....I love Pete!!!! he found my filofax, which ad my life in!! On the driveway by the bins. xxxxx

I looked at the beautiful bouquet of pink and white Carnations, and Roses, as I left this morning. Just to remind myself, why I do it? Work hard for the council, for free!! and it's because of the lovely folk it has brought me in contact with.


The taxi arrived, to take me to a meeting that had been set up about a Network of Networks they were setting up to monitor Health Services (it all sounds a bit jargonistic to me)

I left half way through, because it was sooo boring, and there were folk in my group who were just sooo negative, and they just kept shouting above the facilitator. (How Rude!!!) Before I left, I suggested a way of getting feedback from the groups in Sheffield that were often, not heard, was to '~Plant' Health watch Champions. Who as well as getting inside feelings, on how the Mental Health Service? was doing for example? or Child hood Obesity ?they could do some really positive befriending, and activities (not just cycling, honest)

Anyway....I said my bit x

I nipped to the shops, got a truck load of bright pink clothes for my Mums funeral. And moved onto Hannahs meeting after I'd bought these really spongi velcros shoes. That were for old folk, but hey I'm sure I'll be delightfully comfortable. We chatted, and planned 'The Record Of Involvement' which is to be, something the more regular volunteers for ASC, can show off their achievements.(that sounds frightfully tokenistic!!! but it's not, well we hope not)

Have I ever mentioned a Guy called Andy Brown? He's a bit of a technophobe, like really bad worst than me, cant evcen use a moby. But he's shit hot at fixing bikes? I know he'll never read this!!!!

I'm happy to say, he's called and fixed my wee boys brakes, and repaired as puncture on the tyre. And wouldn't except a bottle of wine or even a bean.

So busy, so sleepy.

I'm not really grumbling,because I would hate to be bored. I went to my BIRRP meeting, hey it's great now because I have my own taxi, so I can do things before it and after. I'm not sure how Long they will stretch to that though, cuts been like they are!!!

My friend Sally? I have mentioned her before. Well she heard about My Mum, and wanted a meet straight after I got back, so I was happy to cycle to meet her at a local coffee shop. And wow, poor Sally, had lost her Mum in September, to Cancer. And although her Mum was 'com pus mentos' I think because of that fact she suffered more. So we sat talked I listened, and now I'm well knackered. My wee boy spotted me in the cafe after school, rushed in and pulled up a pew :)And I've just cycled home ....all down hill so no worries there.

And just by the by, I logged on to report the fact that we've had no street lights, for over a week!!! and I got to read relevant reports that had gone in about the same subject. Anyway they've been out of order since 31st of October. Good job I got some very fee bl;e, but better than no2wt wrap around cycle lights.

Friends

I am happy, I mean ? I feel very lucky. I set off at 9.00 to meet folk in Millhouses Park, and then go on an extra mile, to the Bank (eeeek!!) Pam, the lovely Pam rushed out to greet me, as I was locking Ziggy up. She was full of hugs, and sorrow, (Steve M had tipped her off!)

'Don't be sad, it was the best thing that could have happened. The only time I cry, is when I miss her, and that's just me being selfish'

We sat down, and my cycling hero - Mr Steve Marsden CTC arrived with a card, obviously not sure what to expect of me, we were joined by Dave Santa. Who actually was really positive about me, he said the most fitting song for my funeral, would be 'Always Look on The bright Side of Life.'But I think my children have decided on 'I want to ride my Bicycle' by queen. We sat and chatted about how I should be buried with my trike, or have my Tiara on my top of my coffin.

Richard, my friend from BIRRP arrived out of the blue!! ~You know kind of familiar face, wrong setting. It was lovely that I could introduce him to some of the most important people in my life.

If the road hadn't have been so busy at 9am, I might have struggled to pass my Mums home, but my inner survival mechanism had kicked in, and I sailed forward, only wishing I was 10ft taller with 8ft arms as I indicated to turn Right accross the very busy road into the park.

Catch you later.....xxx

Empty.....

I'm not really sad, don't let me mislead you. I am truly happy, nahhhh that's too strong, I'm certainly not full of energy, and laughter today. I did cycle to lil tesco, and yes it did seem strange turning round and heading home instead of continuing to HH to see my Mum. I felt like I'd got a guardian Angel looking over me? until I foolishly thought I could pull out about 100 yards in front of a car.Unfortunately, I don't cycle at 40 miles an hour and he was soon 'on top of me' sounding his horn with disapproval. That brought me back to reality!!!!

Altogether Better were on BBC1 last night, in The Big Lottery Awards, which was a very plush affair by the looks of it. Unfortunately they didn't win, but it looked like the winning was getting to the final, like how I felt at the Pride of Britain awards 1 year ago. My daughter got 5 seconds of fame!! when they had filmed her on the grass, at the Heritage Park.

Ahh Pams just txt me to say, she's wanting a meet in the Park, so that will give me an excuse to go,. How hard will it be going past my Mums though?

I'm back...

I'm here and ok, I think. I reckon I'm the lucky one who was privaliged enough to share Mums final moments, on this planet. And then glad that my bruv had the sensitivity and foresight to buy a Chinese Lantern and Pink Champagne, for us to raise our glasses and toast farewell to Our Mum as the lantern drifted off into the stary sky. Because to all intents and purposes Mum was in that lantern, as it was lifted to the heavens.

My children were a bit hysterical at this thought at first. But now feel all cried up, and only have the happy memories, that make them realise, just how lucky they were, or we all were to be hers.

I have spent my time busy phoning distant relatives and searching out Mums old friends, I joined Friends Reunited, in a vain attempt to contact Mums workmates. I do love catching up, but it's unbelievable folk always presume, that I'm bored, and lonely? Because all of Mums friends intend to visit me now!!

Hey, have I said about Adult Social Care, sending me that fantastic bouquet of flowers? And I know it's not a competition!!!! but I've got 7 sympathy cards. And my ex collegue Lorraine called round today, with flowers.

And my Hobs broken, Urrrgh!! I realise that was random.

I was a shoulder to cry on last night and first thing to my friend who'd been a birth partner for a teenager, whose baby was still born. I mean F* poor woman and girl.

The funeral (i'm off at another tangant!!!)is at Crookes Cemetry, in Sheffield. And my Dad, Hazel, Holly, and Blue dog ashes, are all going in. So they will be fighting for space!!!On Tuesday the 15th of November, at 10.30 am.

I'm really sorry to Kev and the Gang, the CTC Inclusive Cycling Forum AGM was in London today. Also did anyone see hopw Alltogether better got on in the best Lottery fund thing?

I hope you've missed me :) x

God?

S'one was looking kindly on me yesterday. As I was sitting with my VERY poorly Mum. With silent tears rolling down my cheeks, clutching and kissing one hand, whilst my other arm was been licked and sucked, she gasped a few breaths, the time inbetween getting longer.She struggled to take a deep breadth, and I silently prayed that she wouldn't struggle anymore.

And she didn't.

xxzxxxxxxx

Mum...... June1930- Nov 2011 RIP

We lit a chinese lantern, wi my bruv and laughed at the memories, you have given us Mum. We all Love you, sooo much. xxx

My Mum

My Mums still incredibly powerful (secretly I've always been scared of her) She is the only person alive, who can get my bruvs and I, together in a small room, in an hour!! I don't want to speculate about what will happen.

My lil windfall is all tied up with f* bureaucracy, so that's another big puzzle?

I cycled to Mums in about 5mins, and I am going tomorrow. And I am legitimately using my SDS money to buy some lights on the way home.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?