My lifes just a bit too personal

Starvation, and the fact that my electricity was off, for 12 hours yesterday. Meant I had to get some yummy exciting sexy shopping, How can I make going to the Co-op sound exciting and attractive? It's not far, but I felt 100% better for the effort.

I was sent yesterday, a fab pic of a Lurcher, lying across it's owner who was riding a Recumbent Cycle :) It made me smile. Not easy at the moment. Sorry to be a miserable Bas*

At the moment, my plan is to Cycle, to the big Tesco tomorrow, with my little boy, on his new Scooter (on the Pavement), because he knows the Cycle paths down there, and wants to look after his Mum. And besides, it's along time since I've been on an adventure with him.x

Sunshine Buses :)

Yep, you know the ones? Theoretically they are for physically disabled folks, as well as the kids who have some learning difficulties. But i only ever see them with the latter group. Anyway, I feel a bit cringey doing this, because I suppose I don't see myself as fitting in to that cartography. But I grabbed the bull by the horns, and booked a Mini-bus (yes it will have Sunshine's and rainbows,on it probably)to take and return me to Hills borough Park, on Thursday the 5th of January, cost £6 return. So thanks to Kev Hickman, for that tip off.

Urmmm, I can't...won't divulge too much, but men are mostly shit to me, has s'one stuck kick me on my back?

So I wish for structure, and a Focus. Maybe I'll be better when I get to Hillsbro again, I do hope Sunshine buses work for me.x

Little Sleep, Really Poor Food, means a mardi Caz x

I woke up at 2 this morning, and I was so excited about giving the kids their presents, that I couldn't get back to sleep. At 5, I got the children up. :) x

I picked up the 'Suitcase food from the Spit, and cycled back.

It is extremely steep the hill to Cheshire Homes. But I will do it .....next year.

I thought of you today Dave, but you know sometimes, I am very thankful, that we share the children. So I can sleeep.

Fantastic Night!!1

Last night, The Eve, of the Eve of Christmas.

Not cheap (eeeek) but it's Xmas, and in theory I could have used my SDS money, to treat many neighbours and friends. But..... I didn't really I (with my own) was just paying for me and 4 children, to party 5-11. And I happened to stumble, not literally (for a change)on the Disco at the Spit!!!I'd arranged to meet Pete, Julie Andrews, Sylv and Matt (new characters)

Boom, Boom the disco began...and we boogied all night, the best bit of it was getting some people from Leonard Cheshire Homes on the Dance Floor. We had a great time!! My son commented on how I'd made their night, well let me say they truly made mine, and Julies. Who walked with me home, whilst my little boy and his mate took Ziggy. Hopefully I have made contact with the home now, because I think they would really benefit from Hillsborough Cycling 4 All.

Awwww I do love Mr Marsden!!

Steve arrived at my house early this morning, i think I was 1st on his Xmas Card delivery run/cycle, Bless him.

We kind of laughed about he'd helped me achieve so much, and now he was looking for a new me!! :( I know it's true, but I'm just too insecure :(xxxxxx

2 peas in a pod!! Brothers Grim...(ahhhh only joking , xxxxxx)

I'm out with Lorrainne tomorrow, I hope the weather stays mild. As it's an evening meet, and I am wussy about the dark.

I've had my Sleuth head on, and thanks to a Guy called Mark Weene, who I last saw 25years ago, it took 10 mins for me to find out the location of my ex teacher. I know I'll send him a reply and return an Xmas card. The powers of Facebook!!! Which reminds me, poor Rob http://glydearoundbritain.blogspot.com/ (i know the link will not work, but hopefully, you can follow his blog.

I did it....

Ouch, my Heart was heavy, as I went upstairs at Henleigh Hall, to find my mate Karen. Who I will be forever grateful to for bending a few rules to ensure my lovely Mum stayed in Henleigh, for the last 18months of her life, Receiving the very best of care. And most importantly for me, was the fact that I could Cycle there. We swapped pressies today, and I moved onto Millhouses Park, where I met the Gorgeous Miriam :)

I always get sad at Chrimbo, I'm a right Barrrr Humbug!! This year, could be worst? But providing Pete and the kids are happy on Xmas day, I will be ok. I've ordered a Take Out Xmas Dinner!!! from the Spit, bargain price, so I'm picking up at 3.

I loved cycling to the park today sooo much, can you tell :) I do feel so much better, happier, unfit. (it took me nearly an hour to get home!!) I'm meeting one of my sons buds Mums tomorrow, (i think she only knows what she's heard from other Mums) I just hope she's spoken to the right ones!!!

I will think of you DH!!! and just keep thinking of the good things you are going to do next year, with your daughters. And how things will surely get easier. xx

I'm soooo boring.... but content

I do feel very lethargic, cold and bored. And I'm really ready for Xmas. I can't wait, till January to be honest! Although I feel happier than usual, at least I've managed to get some nice pressies for folk.

For the past 3 years, my ex English Teacher, Mr Phil Walworth, who I loved. Has sent me an Xmas card, but NEVER has it had any contact details? I would love to find him, just so he could see how far I'd come since the Divorce, when I was a totally different person.

I think that will become my new mission.

And I have just been 'chatting' to Greame Willgress, who uses a SAD lamp in winter, with positive effects.

Remember my old Friday nights? when I used to invite people to mine for a drink and nibbles, it happened on Thursday, (enough said!) well I think that's happening this week. But life is not really very good and healthy at the moment.

BIRRP

That's Me and Dave at Jumbos, 9 of us celebrated Xmas, from the Hillsborough team. Good night, but I was on my best behaviour :) (No falling asleep in my Curry!!!)
It's a busy time of year for Dave!!! (get it?)

I've just completed my 5th Interview :) at SCBIRT, which went really well. And the Client, felt the same way I do? and that is that she is experiencing some sort of Post Traumatic Positivity. Because since she was run over by a bus (hey they have a lot to answer for these buses) But like in my case, she thinks it was possibly more her fault, anyway I do find it easier now, after doing 4 interviews on the trot.

And last July? A woman contacted me, via my blog. And she did sound a little eccentric in a nice way :)(not too dissimilar to myself) she's called Fiona, and has a blog called Ad libbed. And she wished to come and try the cycles at Hillsborough?? After being all over enthusiastic, I tnought I'd scared her. I was just making myself a coffee, and she said are you Caroline? Im Fiona with the Blog......and we got on like old mates. So do please get in touch. We could always meet up and you could try Ziggy- My trike.

I'm writing this early, because I'm out tonight, having a Chinese...eating...not 'Having' with Nick, Fred, Dave, David, Lawrence and the 2 Sues from Hillsborough. Which will be nice, because I do miss everyone. I ain't seen head nor tail (not that I ever do see his tail)....that was so unintentionally rude!!!! of my Hero Steve M, who isn't going tonight. might catch you later.

BIRRP/SDS and Social Workers!

I'm gonna be incredibly outspoken, (not like me) and I'll eat humble Pie if I have to. But today, by a Social Worker who 'Specialised' in Brain Injury I was made to feel so Stupid, at BIRRP meeting. And ~I'm happy to say, when I checked my facts - the minute I got home. I was correct. And the Socia\l Worker whos speciality was Brain Injury was wrong. It was just the way she said.....No Caroline Love, You have to be a qualified Social Worker!!!!!!!bla bla bla

Rant over:

I'm back there tomorrow, anyway. And We concluded today that our Interviews have been totally successfull.

Sober as a Judge :)

I apologise for being offensive, in previous Posts!! I just become, (get worst) a woman with a sewer mouth, at times!

Mmmm I went for the most beautiful lunch today, (i must be getting old if the most exciting thing to talk about is what I had for lunch!!) with the lovely Miriam, ooooh we talked about a lot and how I should maybe be thinking about some Confidence Classes!!! Ha!!! not getting them, giving them, next year at Zest, maybe. Wow!!I don't know that I could do that I can maybe help folk to feel more positive, about themselves.

I bumped into Angela Lant, who is just great, and used to teach my kids, she was the Headmistress, at Totley Primary.

I lead the following interview, with Jay, an Occupational Therapist by my side. I think it went well, but I can't really imagine the lady I saw as getting excited, or feeling happy about owt? It's such a strange thing isn't it? It's soooo true no 2 brain injuries are ever the same. She dressed like I do on a cold evening, all neck to toe in thick clothes with thermals peeking out the bottom off her trousers, with a purposeful overhang on her snug fur lined booties. (I secretly saw me!!! in 10 years) Ok, Ok, Me last week. And vowed and declared not to let it happen again!!! Which reminds me a bit I'm out again on Wednesday, with the Guys from Hillsborough.

Good News!! I've ordered a new Birth Certificate, with a promise that it will be sent to me within 14 days :) So thats me sorted The Olympic Torch. And the Director of Sustrans, (not sure which one) when he learnt of me doing the Torch thingy, wanted to talk with me apparently about Sponsorship?

I'm back at BIRRP again tomorrow, for my Monthly :)I'll probably have my period as well :D I have no shame.

I'm here....p* but ok :)

I suppose the reason why I've been so quiet? I'm not doing much riding :( and I'm ashamed of myself for that. I know I'd feel stacks better, if I just got off my ass and did it!!!

Friday, had been really intense in the daY. dELIVERING iNTERVIEWS FOR birrp in the day. And did anyone else think it was absolutely freezing or is it that I don't usually go out at night? Instead of getting my Glad Rags on, I showered and put on my Passion Killer 'Long Janes' and thermal vest!! (which was visable through my dress) and then felt 'dowdy' and plain next to all the toung Social Workers. I felt like a Service User' as I shivered. Although everyone there just so went out of their way, to get me pissed and make me be outrageous!!!

Pete was beautiful, he came to meet the car, just to make sure I wasn't totally off myu face. I reckon I could ave -pulled with this guy who chose to sit next to me. But the table wenmt silent as he asked me which Department I worked in. :D 'Urrrrm I'm a recipient of the SDS budget was my reply. Much to everyuones amusement, but Hey What else can I say? Maybe next time, but he didn't blow my socks off, and thast is what I want. Am I just revealing too much?

So Saturday, was spent with a sore head!! and today, I Cycled an insy bit to the bus stop.

B* you know last week, I spent hours at the Post Office, getting stuff sent and photiocopied? Well they didnt receive official documents, so i've got to do it again. But I've also got to go and do some more Interviews for BIRRP on Mon, Tues, Weds.

I'm meant to be meeting the beautiful Miriam for lunch tomorrow.

OOOOOOOOh!!!!!!

I'm beaming from ear to ear, with pride. But I just lay myself open to fail; and critisism. It really is difficult to jump through all the hoops, that are asked of me. (I'm talking about, Carrying the Olympic Torch) I have been chosen, but I HONESTLY, don't know why? I know the theory behind the reason, and yes I must sound impresive????? But I now know of 4 people, who were all nominated, and 3 were successful in getting through to the last round. And do you know, they are far more Credible and worthy than I, they all influence loads of disabled folk. And one of them has a brain injury like myself, through a Stroke!! (I do wish my Mum and Dad, were around to see it though.)

And I bet the others don't say rude offensive words when they stub their toe!! And I bet they don't drink, and act really immature!! But I am the only one I know whose lucky enough to have been chosen. Wow it is so big!! my kids are unbelievably proud!! even my ex, muttered words of Congratulations!!

I did sieze the opportunity, (what am I like) and I rang my mate Rony Robinson, and next minute, live on air!!! Telling folk about the Accessible Cycling at Hillsborough Park, and how it was fab, and I loved it!!!and by the way, I'm carrying the Olympic Torch, type of thing!!!

I was gonna go to Hillsborough today, as well. To think I'd have not known, for 5 hours!!! My little boy was off sick, so I stayed home, being the dutiful Mum. Also it was a tad on the windy side, so I didn't think it would be very busy. I missed everyone though.

So I'll let you know, how difficult it's gonna be don't worry!!

I'm very happy Thank you Nigel West for the nomination. Ooooh and Thanks to 'Wait For Pete' for suggesting it.

My Face

Ouch, it's sooo painful, cycling in the hail!! going downhill, about the fastest I ever get (Baslow Rd dual Carriageway.)

Did I write a blog yesterday? Ooooh no I didn't, too much time spending money, on pressies. I don't know how I would have coped without my windfall blip (with Income Support, in case you were thinking anything else) I( did a bit of work also for ASC, Hannah and I are designing (and a young guy called Michael, who wasn't there yesterday)This Record of Involvement, for the regular pool of volunteers to collect evidence of work they have completed. It's fully endorsed by the council, and all the documents will be available to download and print. It isn't tokenistic, there will be no Certificates and badges!! It's just a record really. So that folk like me, who can't remember peoples names and stuff, have got evidence. It's nice that the other 2 thought I had a really nice way with words, and I should write it. Which to be honest is the easy bit.

I got a cab home, because they paid!!! and welcomed my friend Lorraine, mmmm we ordered Curries, even the kids are partial. Bless her, it was freezing, and she caught 2 buses, to get to mine and 2 home. That's so nice of s'one to do that for lil old me!!! I did get just a tad 'Tidly' though. So when the alarm Drrrrrringed!! at 615, I wasn't amused but. Ouch I remembered the dentist, at 10. And my dentist (the one in Hathersage!!!) is always on holiday, so again,I was using a private extortionate local one. Who looked in mi Gob, and said that'l be £144 for me to fix. It's not decay, it's cracked. So I'll wait and see mine next week hopefully.

Monday.....dreaded school

My Son, had text me anxiously on Sunday night. He really feared the inevitable, as he saw it. Maybe in a different life, an angry grown ups word, would have stood for more clout. Than Character History? But I am really proud to say, Mr Stewart of Totley Primary, came up trumps.

I had telephoned school at 830am, just to be sure of 'getting in there first', I had said the story of events according to my Son. And what this Mum thought she saw. And how I'd given him the opportunity to defend himself over the telephone. (the Mum was outraged that I had allowed him to do this), and started a vendetta and slur, against me cycling on 'That Stupid Bike' Thankfully s'times, I think because I've been a Celebrity, for doing honourable things.

My Son did get a tiny bit punished...tokenistic, and that had been for swearing....saying Crap. (which I kinda let him get away with anyway,) as long as it's not every other word!

I had a dullish day to match my dullard feelings. Hopefully I will be brighter tomorrow, as I'm helping design the 'Record of Involvement' for Volunteers within Social Care to produce as evidence, of work completed.

Thanks Dave

And thanks Pete, who I aint seen for a month! since he joined the Couples of Christmas!! But burst in this am, with messages of support. Dave for letting me know, that at least I have the kids!! (even though it's far too expensive for my benefits. And when I asked for help today from the Dad, he gave me the choice their Xmas Pressies or helping?) I wish I'd called his bluff!!!

I cycled to the shops, I know I'm, really slacking. I just have no purpose at the minute. I've secured support from Pete for Friday, to put me to bed. After my night out with the girls!!

Saturday :(

I didn't sleep too well, revisiting the conversations from earlier in the evening. I'm trying my best not to cry all the time, mostly because of the time of year, and everyone becoming 'Coupley' and lovey dovey. My friend made me cry this morning, I aint seen her really for a year, she's one of the school Mums, I used to speak to, at the bottom of the drive. I'd sent a txt in the night, saying how I felt Bullied, for being a 'Weirdo' and trying to be independent. Anyway a couple of the Mums phoned, and why is it when folk are being really nice, I cry more!!!

Thanks Dave, she was absolutely bonkers, that woman!!!

Coo ee!!!!! I' Here :)

I'm sorry I've just realised that I aint been here for a while.

I've just had another parent call me a weirdo tho! Which hurt. And why? because she went off alarming about my son, bullying her son, and 6 of the boys were in my lounge all shouting above one another, about how the said boy booted my son in the shin sooo very hard. Anyway I said lets just calm it,till Monday at School, She went on apparently in the hairdressers, where she worked (how classy!!) to go off about me on that '' Fuckin Stupid Bike''!!I've been supposedly 'Educating' Council Workers today, about how I can think for myself etc, and then I come across Ignorance like that!!!!!

Hi to Richard who I met today at the SDS training day. I especially remember Richard, because he was Single!! Am I obsessed with men? Talking of which, on second thoughts, I'd better not talk about last night ;) but it was nice.

This morning I saw the kids off, thankful that I no longer have to take them to school in the cold morning. Then Matt picked me up, we went for H who is the Butt of many a joke, then Steph and Gwyn.m He's so dedicated to the cause of literature and coma, that he will do this. He says it's because we are his friends which is nice. And I don't think for a minute he implied 'Friends'!!!!

I really missed Hillsborough yesterday, so much so that I went to an ASC meeting, which went well. I suggested to Headway and to SCBIRT that they should be trained up in writing Support Plans, so at least s'one who understood Brain Injury supported the Survivor.

The hunt for a lurcher goes on, they're all too big!! So the kids and I aqre being patient.

It's all gone BLACK!!

How depressing the news is today, the Eve of The General Strike. I don't want to get political, because I don't understand politics, but Britain is just on a see saw, and it depresses me so, even though for the first time in 10 years, I feel fairly comfortable.

I'm so excited, remember the SDS Training team, which I joined? Training SW to complete the Individual Budget Assesment? Well do you recall the lovely Liz Salmon, who brought Strawberrys and cream to Hillsborough, with some non alcoholic bubbly, when the team tried out the cycles for themselves. Well she contacted me today, to invite me out on her leaving do, in December.I can't wait!! Kids are booked out for the night :) So far I've only got 2 Xmas dos on the Calendar....3 actually.

Cycled to the Post Office,where I spent 25mins getting stuff sorted, it's a good job she knew my ....'Challengers'. She was really interested in Head-Lines, so I promised to sell her one soon.

I met Lorraine and Lawrence in town today, mmmm I wish Lawrence was like me!!!! and he'd claim what he is entitled too. Unfortunately that's where SDS fails, I mean what happens if s'one is in denial?? and they just sink lower and lower, because they don't think they're 'ill' or disabled.

Brockwood phoned to ask, if I'd step in Friday, to help deliver SDS training. I will I'll just need to leave writing early.

disabled entepeneurs

http://www.disabledentrepreneurs.co.uk/ - I know the link wo'nt work, but you knoow what to do.

But I'll begin with telling you for the first time in a month I feel very lucky, and well thought of, and dare I say happy???? My lovely friend, mentor, and supporter has confirmed that 'Gripple' in Sheffield, are going to fund My transport to Hillsborough for a month. She's doing Individually what Altogether Better, want to do for Health Champions x 6 who have got worthy projects on the go.

Anyway back to Disabled Entepeneurs, Shane from there, who owns a company called 'mobityBuy.com' Anyway I gave him a rushed jumbled brief....yeah as if? I just said I'd send him some stuff, and he agreed to come to Hillsborough and try the cycles and meet me. But as Steve M reminded me, he wouldn't really apprechiate the magic,.If he came during winter when in theory it's closed. Steve M, sounds very poorly :(, he couldn't stop sneezing and spluttering!!

Brrrr!!!

I do maKE it A THING TO GO OUT ON zIGGY, EVERYDAY, EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO THE SHOPS OR PUB. But I aint today, instead I went wi my bruv, Sue, and Amanda, to visit my Mums 'Unmarked Grave'. Which, does seem strange? I'm sure many folk must go to the wrong grave, when visiting their loved ones for the first time. I mean if it hadn't have been for the Lil lies and Carnations that perished there, with a water logged card. Maybe we would have struggled? Any other day, I might have found it difficult to visit, but today, I was ok, I was feeling strong..ish. I really hadn't made a lot of effort with my appearance, choosing to go for the more 'Natural' look (it's my excuse for not bothering with Make up and hair)

I stood at the mound of earth, and let my imagination wander, to what was below that mound? I mean it had been there for 12 days, gruesome images of worms, and Mum being Cold and scared in the dark, flitted through my mind. But do you know what I could quickly dispel them, because I had witnessed Mums body, without Mum in it, on the day she had died. And I was glad I had.

So the Douglas women, (i am one really!!) went into town for a bit of retail therapy. Eeeek, I bumped in to Mark Skinner, who I'd finished with all those years ago for Jock!! I must have been mad, he's gorgeous! and an avid cyclist...and married....and a dad. We exchanged niceties, and I thought 'I wish I'd put my make up on and done my hair!!!

Write Way

I've been to the writing group, which is such a Positive in my life, it kinda makes me concentrate and think. Today's brain teaser? Objective Correlative? and Pathetic Fallacy? Which I understood after a while, but I don't really thing I'll use it too much in my Blog, as I tend to be a punchier writer, as apposed to being massively descriptive.

I can't really say, but I wish I could about the Characters within the group!! 1 is soooo bitter and twisted it is hysterical, because she seems to vent her anger towards me!!!But hey, I am Theresa, and the calmer Iam the stranger, it seems. Another man, is really having a bad time of things, so I'm taking him under my wing. (poor bugger)

Thank you Matt for making me laugh so much....You had to be there honestly!!and I will drag you for fishy Friday soon, .....at the Spit of course!!

I've picked up 6 copies for Kev and Bridgette, where can I send them?

Oh remember Miriam? Well the Star has found a Sheffield Company that will maybe sponsor me until March? If I want to go and help out with the CFH at Hillsborough, and the Mental Health Folk? Plus I'm sure there will be a lot of events, with it being around xmas. The company is a steel company called Grittle.

Yes, I admit it I phoned Steve M to thank him for yesterday, and he's invited me out for Xmas Lunch with his favourite staff, like last year. So Fred, Pam, Dave, Steve and myself will go to one of the Parks for lunch, which I will love.

Did anyone get the CTCs Cycle Clips? Follow the link below, it's interesting, (but I think youll need to copy and paste)

http://www.getcycling.org.uk/media/bikes-not-barriers.pdf

Urrrrm, that's it. xxxx

Proud

I was sooo proud that Steve spent all day at Hillsborough, because of me, and it was lovely that my friends Lorraine and boyfriend came and were enthused about what they saw, and who they met. It was nice that Nick knew the Lurcher rescue folk, and was gonna say nice things. It was absolutely gorgeous that Nick and David, the Park Ranger volunteer bought me a diary, and some Walnut whips. Ahhhhh it's all lovely :)

I came home to a meeting with my friend to discuss business stuff except I got pissed, I just can't handle my liquor!!!

I'll be more reflective tomorrow!!!

Love you all xxxxx

I am Selfish....

I mean, at least my family aren't dependant on Hillsborough, or cycling for any income. I mean poor Steve B and M, and the cycle trainers at Hillsborough, like Fred and Santa. Their household income is largely dependant, on what happens with cycling and projects like Hillsborough.

Just after my last post though, I made an enormous decision, that is a bit selfish and a bit luxurious? To continue, at Hillsborough and fund it myself? I perhaps won't take ziggy though, as that costs me an extra £10. And threes no point in me trying to ride to Dore, take the train, tram to Hillsborough and then back, with you Dave? Because It would have to be s'thing I could do on my own, and I'm not physically strong enough, sorry.

Ahhh bless, my wee children spent ages on Monday night getting their homework printed out. And I found it on the settee, after they'd gone. Knowing my little boys had to be in otherwise detention!! I nipped out to school with it. Hey he was so proud of me cycling to school. To give him his homework, bless him. (brownie points for me!!)

It's been another weepy day, :( I keep thinking about tomorrow, and wondering if I'll cry? I'd say it's odds on? (Well mi left eye will!!) I cycled up to the Deli shop, to get some nice nibbles for tomorrow. And I grabbed a coffee, whilst waiting, I rang Rhiann? Altogether Better? Kind of top of the ladder when it comes to different Organisations, employing different services, who employ a different Service, which 'Mentor me!!' and she spoke of how I needn't little support just this financial and there were 6 of us, like this. Anyway by March she reckons that we will be funding ourselves using a new charity, that she is setting up with our help.???? Plus I probably told some of you, but I've decided that if the worst happens, I will pay for it myself!! It may mean leaving Ziggy :( and borrowing a trike from Hillsborough.(I know it's a disgrace!! all taxis charge £5 per journey. Even if it's a wheelchair!!) And I've posted my Community Transport thing off!! So I'm confident I will be back, but the fab team won't be. It's bound to change :(

Cauliflower Ear

I'm afraid I gave Steve one this morning....a Cauliflower Ear that is!!

Having spent a good while on the phone with Sheffield Community Transport, this morning following Kev Hickmans, very helpful advice :) They said they would probably be able to take me and my trike to Hillsborough, in March? I know I should be jumping for joy! but I'm just a miserable git at the moment, and I've had so many false hopes. That I will wait and see.

Steve M returned my call so I continued to tell him everything that was happening in my life. Without pausing to draw breath I think. I reminded myself of a client that comes to Hillsborough, who does exactly the same. And then I stopped remembering the effect she has on folk.

And thank you Rob for your message of support, I know when I'm helping s'one with a disability cycle, it makes me do more. And I forget about MY problems, like my Mum not been here anymore.

My Left Eye!!.....is permanently crying, I know it's effected by my paralysis, but its as if it won't hide what I'm feeling inside. So I can be all pretentious, putting a brave smile on, but there's a tear rolling down my left cheek.

I know the only positive in my life is that Erin Hounds, are looking for me. Have I always been a miserable git?

I mean I should just be grateful, for the 2 and a half fantastic years that The CTC, Recumbent Cycling and Health Champs have given me.

The Little loop :)

I thought I'd start off easy! and make my loop really achievable, and yet useful. So off I set down the dual carriageway, ooooomph!!!! Wheeeee!! as I went, (but not actually weeing, you must understand!!) In 5minutes, I told you it wasn't far. I locked up quickly in order to save maximum time, and someone said 'Ahhh Caroline, I'm sorry about your Mum, I nursed her the night before it happened' I turned and there all dewy eyed, was one of Mums Carers, and that was it for 30minutes, we hugged and cried. I don't mean to cry every time I relive her last moments with us, but I do. Not because they were so gruesome? the opposite really, but because they were so beautiful, and dignified, like my Mum. Anyway gone was the stopwatch time!!!

I plodded back up the dual carriageway, towards home, cutting off on a side road so I could use the very easy labour saving Cycle Path, I like Cycle Paths :)

So the problem I have with a loop...is who I meet, and how long I talk for!!

Fantastic news though!! we had a home assessment by Erin Hounds, and they brought a hound, and guess what she was called? .....Ziggy :) She wasn't looking for a home though, much to my wee boys disappointment. We got talking about those dogs that were looking, and I said no to one, because bless it, it had had a rough time, and I didn't want a repeat of Morris :( the next was a Saluki, which was beautiful. She told me the breed, was rubbish at recall, and very aloof, so wouldn't really be suitable. Finally there was a 16 week old puppy called Bobby, who the kids fell in love with. I said maybe? he was a boy though, with bits at the moment too!!!! I've just received a phone call, and on further inspection, Bobby is just too big, he wouldn't even fit in my bike carriage!! So the search goes on, I'm in no hurry though this time :)

Friday 18th of November

I'm ok, when I feel useful. So I limped with a skip this morning? To the Write-Way writing group, (even if I'm only wanted for my blue parking badge!!!) We had a fab lesson, it's really great, there are now 9 folk in the group. And it's so safe, that folk feel ok, about 'Testing' out their new identities, (you had to be there!!!) I always used to pride myself as being quite a skilled writer (ok, ok Dave I know I lack a bit when it comes to being grammatically correct) But they are all so much better than I. (or should that be me? :D)

At 12 I was collected in a taxi, to go to Brockwood, where I worked along side Christine Barton, in offering Council Care workers a bit of knowledge on SDS, and what it's meant to my life for 4years.

I missed a telephone appointment with Disabled Entrepreneurs, I did try to rearrange, but they've not as yet. I wanted to promote, the success of Inclusive Cycling, and the Write-way. And how much better it makes me feel!!! ......sometimes.

I know I'm slacking!!

Thursday, and Hillsborough, didn't do it for me. I mean it was ok, and I did a fair bit, firstly with Sue H and Sue M....(I hope I got that!!)who are both similar to me in the fact that they are women in their 40's? who are Survivors of brain damage. But theirs caused by a Stroke, in both cases. As usual, we do about 4 laps of the park, and back to the Cabin, for a cuppa. Lawrence had arrived as we started, and I'd invited him to join us, he said he'd catch me later. Sue H was a fund seeker for worthy causes, so volunteered to join the Save Caroline at Hillsborough crusade.

She offered, I've given in now, as with most things.

I checked on Marjorie and Brian, as she is getting so much stronger, on the Low rider. Brian following her dotingly on a 2 wheeler.

The lovely Dave Santa arrived, to just cycle really and be on hand for anyone who needed him from the Mental Health group. Who I kinda tagged on with. After the butty run.

Ahhhhh, folk are so lovely about Lurchers, they are just so renowned for being gentle. I was discussing with Nick, that I was being home checked on Sunday, with a view to adopting one. He said, if Steve hasn't offered to give it a holiday home. You know I will.....If it's a Lurcher. And he has a 'Couch Potato' Greyhound, and a 18month old child.

I drove past Henliegh Hall, on the way home. I was tempted, to just get dropped off anyway, and cycle home. But I'd crammed in 2 other meets, in the spare time.(purposely, because I'm still not in a good place.) I was meant to be dishing out advice, an unpaid Consultant, for some friends setting up in the Care business. And then I cycled to the Spit, to meet Lorraine. We talked loads, and I cried....again!! But she did invite her and her boyfriend to Hillsborough the following week, with a view to her boyfriend taking me in his big Volvo Estate. (only temporary though)???

I am here, is anyone still there?

I thought I'd change my mood, by concentrating on my blog, for 10 mins. Because all I seem to be doing at the moment, is concentrate on what's slipping, and whats gone. I feel like Hillsborough, and my work as a Health Champ, is slipping away. And therefore loads of my relationships?My Bezzy mate of the moment, is back with his ex, so thats gone.

And we buried my lovely Mum yesterday.

My bruv, wrote and read 'Family Memories' I laughed and cried, they were brilliant. A crowd of us scraped the graveside mud, from our shoes, and went back to his for a drink.

And now? I feel totally at a loss, I don't feel needed, or wanted by anyone.

I will go to Hillsborough tomorrow, for the penultimate time. :(

It hasn't changed my mood I've just reminded myself why, I'm miserable.

Greenspeed Magnum?

As I'm a bit better off than normal due to having really struggled for 6 years, not knowing that I was paying £180 a month too much, into my Mortgage account!!! I must be shrewd!!!- not at all!! So because I've now got a bit extra? I looked at the knew Greenspeed today, so that I am mobile continuously, without pause, to get some one to mend a puncture etc.Hey they're a bit Sexy, and attractive, hang on I'll gi you the link.

http://www.greenspeed.com.au/pdfs/Greenspeed.Magnum.pdf

That doesn't look like it will work!!

I'm thinking about it, especially if Carol and Rob, of West Country Recumbents, are distributing, because they have been incredibly supportive.

The cost for a Magnum is £1876 and guess how much they weigh? ......2lbs!!!

I met some fab lurches today, all looking for a good home, the temptation is there, but I think it might be better if we waited to the longer days. And I know I said I didn't want one with a history, but the guy said...the dogs stay in Foster Homes, until they are adopted. And they won't let them go unless they are sure. So that's another thing occupying my little brain at the Mo. Avoidance? Maybe? I was bored on Friday, I haven't been bored for ages!!!

I'm happy

Perhaps a little insy bit jealous and threatened? By another brain injured man that I welcomerd and incoured to cycle, met many times at Millhouses, and encouraged to come to Hillsborough, I've even lent him my dog cart!!!! And he likes it so much he also wants to volunteer aty Hillsborough. And I know the more the merrier, but we are a good team as it is. Or am I just being very selfish?

Great day!!! lots of circuits of the Park, in the rain. but Hey we were cool :)

I missed not visiting my Mum after, but a visit from an old friend when I got home, made up for that ;)

mmmm a bit boring

All for love :)

Firstly....I love Pete!!!! he found my filofax, which ad my life in!! On the driveway by the bins. xxxxx

I looked at the beautiful bouquet of pink and white Carnations, and Roses, as I left this morning. Just to remind myself, why I do it? Work hard for the council, for free!! and it's because of the lovely folk it has brought me in contact with.


The taxi arrived, to take me to a meeting that had been set up about a Network of Networks they were setting up to monitor Health Services (it all sounds a bit jargonistic to me)

I left half way through, because it was sooo boring, and there were folk in my group who were just sooo negative, and they just kept shouting above the facilitator. (How Rude!!!) Before I left, I suggested a way of getting feedback from the groups in Sheffield that were often, not heard, was to '~Plant' Health watch Champions. Who as well as getting inside feelings, on how the Mental Health Service? was doing for example? or Child hood Obesity ?they could do some really positive befriending, and activities (not just cycling, honest)

Anyway....I said my bit x

I nipped to the shops, got a truck load of bright pink clothes for my Mums funeral. And moved onto Hannahs meeting after I'd bought these really spongi velcros shoes. That were for old folk, but hey I'm sure I'll be delightfully comfortable. We chatted, and planned 'The Record Of Involvement' which is to be, something the more regular volunteers for ASC, can show off their achievements.(that sounds frightfully tokenistic!!! but it's not, well we hope not)

Have I ever mentioned a Guy called Andy Brown? He's a bit of a technophobe, like really bad worst than me, cant evcen use a moby. But he's shit hot at fixing bikes? I know he'll never read this!!!!

I'm happy to say, he's called and fixed my wee boys brakes, and repaired as puncture on the tyre. And wouldn't except a bottle of wine or even a bean.

So busy, so sleepy.

I'm not really grumbling,because I would hate to be bored. I went to my BIRRP meeting, hey it's great now because I have my own taxi, so I can do things before it and after. I'm not sure how Long they will stretch to that though, cuts been like they are!!!

My friend Sally? I have mentioned her before. Well she heard about My Mum, and wanted a meet straight after I got back, so I was happy to cycle to meet her at a local coffee shop. And wow, poor Sally, had lost her Mum in September, to Cancer. And although her Mum was 'com pus mentos' I think because of that fact she suffered more. So we sat talked I listened, and now I'm well knackered. My wee boy spotted me in the cafe after school, rushed in and pulled up a pew :)And I've just cycled home ....all down hill so no worries there.

And just by the by, I logged on to report the fact that we've had no street lights, for over a week!!! and I got to read relevant reports that had gone in about the same subject. Anyway they've been out of order since 31st of October. Good job I got some very fee bl;e, but better than no2wt wrap around cycle lights.

Friends

I am happy, I mean ? I feel very lucky. I set off at 9.00 to meet folk in Millhouses Park, and then go on an extra mile, to the Bank (eeeek!!) Pam, the lovely Pam rushed out to greet me, as I was locking Ziggy up. She was full of hugs, and sorrow, (Steve M had tipped her off!)

'Don't be sad, it was the best thing that could have happened. The only time I cry, is when I miss her, and that's just me being selfish'

We sat down, and my cycling hero - Mr Steve Marsden CTC arrived with a card, obviously not sure what to expect of me, we were joined by Dave Santa. Who actually was really positive about me, he said the most fitting song for my funeral, would be 'Always Look on The bright Side of Life.'But I think my children have decided on 'I want to ride my Bicycle' by queen. We sat and chatted about how I should be buried with my trike, or have my Tiara on my top of my coffin.

Richard, my friend from BIRRP arrived out of the blue!! ~You know kind of familiar face, wrong setting. It was lovely that I could introduce him to some of the most important people in my life.

If the road hadn't have been so busy at 9am, I might have struggled to pass my Mums home, but my inner survival mechanism had kicked in, and I sailed forward, only wishing I was 10ft taller with 8ft arms as I indicated to turn Right accross the very busy road into the park.

Catch you later.....xxx

Empty.....

I'm not really sad, don't let me mislead you. I am truly happy, nahhhh that's too strong, I'm certainly not full of energy, and laughter today. I did cycle to lil tesco, and yes it did seem strange turning round and heading home instead of continuing to HH to see my Mum. I felt like I'd got a guardian Angel looking over me? until I foolishly thought I could pull out about 100 yards in front of a car.Unfortunately, I don't cycle at 40 miles an hour and he was soon 'on top of me' sounding his horn with disapproval. That brought me back to reality!!!!

Altogether Better were on BBC1 last night, in The Big Lottery Awards, which was a very plush affair by the looks of it. Unfortunately they didn't win, but it looked like the winning was getting to the final, like how I felt at the Pride of Britain awards 1 year ago. My daughter got 5 seconds of fame!! when they had filmed her on the grass, at the Heritage Park.

Ahh Pams just txt me to say, she's wanting a meet in the Park, so that will give me an excuse to go,. How hard will it be going past my Mums though?

I'm back...

I'm here and ok, I think. I reckon I'm the lucky one who was privaliged enough to share Mums final moments, on this planet. And then glad that my bruv had the sensitivity and foresight to buy a Chinese Lantern and Pink Champagne, for us to raise our glasses and toast farewell to Our Mum as the lantern drifted off into the stary sky. Because to all intents and purposes Mum was in that lantern, as it was lifted to the heavens.

My children were a bit hysterical at this thought at first. But now feel all cried up, and only have the happy memories, that make them realise, just how lucky they were, or we all were to be hers.

I have spent my time busy phoning distant relatives and searching out Mums old friends, I joined Friends Reunited, in a vain attempt to contact Mums workmates. I do love catching up, but it's unbelievable folk always presume, that I'm bored, and lonely? Because all of Mums friends intend to visit me now!!

Hey, have I said about Adult Social Care, sending me that fantastic bouquet of flowers? And I know it's not a competition!!!! but I've got 7 sympathy cards. And my ex collegue Lorraine called round today, with flowers.

And my Hobs broken, Urrrgh!! I realise that was random.

I was a shoulder to cry on last night and first thing to my friend who'd been a birth partner for a teenager, whose baby was still born. I mean F* poor woman and girl.

The funeral (i'm off at another tangant!!!)is at Crookes Cemetry, in Sheffield. And my Dad, Hazel, Holly, and Blue dog ashes, are all going in. So they will be fighting for space!!!On Tuesday the 15th of November, at 10.30 am.

I'm really sorry to Kev and the Gang, the CTC Inclusive Cycling Forum AGM was in London today. Also did anyone see hopw Alltogether better got on in the best Lottery fund thing?

I hope you've missed me :) x

God?

S'one was looking kindly on me yesterday. As I was sitting with my VERY poorly Mum. With silent tears rolling down my cheeks, clutching and kissing one hand, whilst my other arm was been licked and sucked, she gasped a few breaths, the time inbetween getting longer.She struggled to take a deep breadth, and I silently prayed that she wouldn't struggle anymore.

And she didn't.

xxzxxxxxxx

Mum...... June1930- Nov 2011 RIP

We lit a chinese lantern, wi my bruv and laughed at the memories, you have given us Mum. We all Love you, sooo much. xxx

My Mum

My Mums still incredibly powerful (secretly I've always been scared of her) She is the only person alive, who can get my bruvs and I, together in a small room, in an hour!! I don't want to speculate about what will happen.

My lil windfall is all tied up with f* bureaucracy, so that's another big puzzle?

I cycled to Mums in about 5mins, and I am going tomorrow. And I am legitimately using my SDS money to buy some lights on the way home.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

:) FANTASTIC DAY!!!!

I was soooo very depressed, but then a little birdie (not sexist at all, but it was called Laura) told me I had a secret Mortgage 'stash'. What an absolute relief!!!

Firstly my taxi arrived 30mins early, then the taxi driver asked me to get the staff at HIRC, to confirm that I was ok to be dropped off, at Zest!!! The driver thought it too dangerous, to let a 'Brain Damaged jibbering woman', loose on the streets of Sheffield!!!! :D I had to bite my tongue!! as I put it back in my mouth after licking the window, at passers by.

I met Miriam, and was driven for a gorgeous lunch, from where I buy lunch When I'm at Hillsborough, I wish I'd had more time to call in and see Nick :(

But after 4 years of really thorough research and discussions, finally the day had arrived, when Jay and I were to interview our first Survivor 0f Brain Injury, about his discharge (yuk!)process. And what a fantastic couple 'Mark' and 'Sue' (fictitious names) were? I know Jay, my partner and Occupational Therapist at the Centre, was happy, with how things went. I think the couple were just happy to be back in the security of HIRC. Which had obviously offered some comfort 8 years ago.

My Cab arrived, I rushed back just in time for my first lot of tricka treaters of the evening. My daughters gone out looking like an evil but very attractive Lily Cole!! and my Son ? some kind of Terrorist!!!

Today has really tired me :)

I'm going to visit Mum tomorrow. (watch it rain)

Boooooa!!!!!

Ghosties and goulies and things that go bump!! in the night. That's what tonight was supposed to be about, or should I say 9 big bumps for my son. Who celebrated his b'day. I usually get depressed on his b'day because it is a lot to do on my own, arrange a party, Halloween, bonfire night and my daughters b'day. All in the space of 2 weeks. But apart from being a bit mardi because our son was too tired for football. My ex proved to be exemplary, by taking control of most things, which, I know is s'thing I grumble about, (when folk try to take control) but as I really didn't have cash or energy I welcomed it. But saying that tonight was my children, and I, Pete, next doors children and Ok, Ok Mark brought all the youngsters home.

So my children ate like kings, and I said yes ok, it's fine to have double gammon and egg!! (with ££ signs totting up in my eye balls) But Whats done is done. And it 'got me out', folk always say that to me, as if I'm some kind of knee hugging window lick er!!

Hey but I cycled there and back, not too far!! but it's a right pain because I ain't got any lights so I crawl metaphorically speaking along the pavement, but there's no street lights either!!!! So now I'm home, Pete's gone home bless. And I am left to go melancholic about the last 9 years, I can honestly say, I only regret 16months of that. And they were the months I spent wasting my tears, when their Dad traded me in for a younger, prettier looking bird, whose about as interesting as.........she evokes no image :)

Write Way

My mission for the term.....To try and be more inspiring in my writing, I just want folk to feel energised, and want to go out and cycle when they see me getting so much from it. And I know only I have the ability to make things more riveting in my life, but if I can convey that in the written word?

We all had different aspirations, for the next 6 weeks. Plus 'Olga' had joined, she had had a Stroke, which damaged the left side of her brain. So, what a crew we are....2 car accidents, 1 motorbike, 2 brain tumour survivors, and 1 anesthetic 'overdose'!!! I think there are some more folk joining next week, ooooh what interesting damage will they have? I'm serious, because it's all a bit fascinating to me?

So our journey continues on for another 6 weeks.

I have got to say, at this point I find Stephs written work fantastic, and without doubt the best. It is very real, and perhaps a little distressing, so not a cheery happy uplifting writer. But if you can take it, it's very good. And I think he will uncover more this term, as he really does use the cathartic powers the Write-way.

:(

I am a paper mac he brain? Very long story which I won't go into for fear of being frightfully boring!! (im pissed, you can tell?) but I was/am convinced that I've been taking 400mg of tegretol retarde x2 when in actual fact whether by intent or other I have lived happily 'fit' free for 5 years on 200mg x2. Either way after taking 400 all week, I've been a bit poorly. Too ill for Hillsborough, which was a real shame. I did miss it.

With my..... Oh my goodness have you seen the Sheffield telegraph today? What a massive feature they did on 'Write Way, the writing group for the brain injured. But I really didn't believe they would print all the stuff I spoke about to the Journalist, it was just too ordinary. But yes they did, so apologies to anyone who got dragged in there at least I didn't say anything derogatory, and I could have. I wish it had said a bit more about the purpose of the writing group though. Instead of glamorising? me, if I could ever be glamorised.

I am a bit drunk so you might have to take what I'm saying with a pinch of salt!! I've just been to the Spit, to meet my old (as in a long time ago) colleague I worked with on my first ever job. At a huge Asylum!!! (psychiatric hospital, dating back to 1850) We were innocent and naive, and believed in human privacy, and not sharing a commode in the middle of the day room, or sheep dipping in a bath at night.

Do you recall, ~I did an active travel show at brammel Lane Sheffield, well apparently she had great fun trying Ziggy round the car park. But of course we never really met, Steve or Gavin had helped her.
Anyhow, I'm a tad drunk, child free. And my dilemma is should I have my tablets tonight?

I've got creative writing in the morning, which will be fun for Steph and I but the other 4 members of the group might feel a bit neglected.

Brockwood :)

I had my nearly teenage daughter and her mates round last night to stop o'r. Now this is conceited of me I know, but I do enjoy the challenge of educating them very subtley about how bonkersly normal brain injured folk can be. And I'm happy to say they think I'm well cool because of Ziggy. Of course they were all especially interested in my RTA because of their mate Charlie :( Four rounds of eggy bread and beans for the guests, all the washing moved on a stage in the dirty....washed.....dried.....folded....put away process, and my taxi arrived to take me to work, happy in the knowledge that my kids were shared equally between their friends.

I can't tell you the amount of times I've told my Personal Story for folk, and it's not that I fib or even embelish parts, it's just that I seem to forget bits s'times, and sometimes I don't. But a big HELLO, if I met you today, good luck, and why not use Hillsborough as a preventative measure, it could lead to so much more as I discovered.

Hey, I was bored yesterday, I hate been bored...whilst opening m,ail I came accross a letter from Motability, asking me to take advantage of their car hirwe scheme. As I say, I was bored. So I sent them an email asking why they didn't promote pedal trikes bla, bla. Anyway I got a phone call tonight from Motability, saying how fantastic my story was.....but basically NOT for them :( I did kinda try, and I did get on with the Mineon who phoned me.

I'm at Hillsborough tomorrow, how embarrasing I will see Fred and Lawrence, the last time we met they bundled me into a taxi, after my face first tricks into my curry. Then Mums, cycle home, I hope I don't need any lights!! eek. Then remember Lorraine? Who I met a Brockwood a few weeks ago? we're meeting at the spit. My children? who knows....:).....I do actually, they are staying at my bruvs for the night.

Radio Sheffield.....but not me

Matt Colbeck, and fellow brain injury survivor/writer, of Blue Polystyrene shoes the best story in the Anthology ,in my opinion, were on my fave DJs Rony Robinsons show this morning. And Matt spoke of the uplifting story of rehab through cycling, I guess that's mine then? :) thanks Matt for that. x

I'm working at Brockwood tomorrow, which I love.

I was Mother Theresa last night, and looked after my little boys STEP brother overnight. I know I astound myself at times!!

Forgot all my heartfelt love and best wishes for a full recovery too my daughters 'boyfriend' (one of a few!!) who fell off his BMX at 'Chain Breakers' bike jumps made from piles of mud, (you know the sort?) Now this happened about 6 weeks ago, and he's been in an induced coma ever since, well until a week ago. After a series of joyful phone calls, my girl and mates paid him a visit today, and they were very shocked. I'm not gonna get into the helmet/no helmet argument, but definitely when stunt riding. He's 12 is in a wheelchair, has no front teeth, had 2 fractured eye sockets. And no ones really sure about the long term prognosis, they say it's too soon. But evidently his short term memory, is non exist ant. I don't know if a helmet would have helped, but I think common sense says it would.

Yorkshire Post

Ooops I'd forgotten, we were to feature in The Yorkshire Post today (p9) 'Group that is rewriting story of those with brain injuries' I'm guessing that maybe you'll be able to get it in the archive section tomorrow? but I can't find the link - sorry Dave. And yes you were right it was on Broadsheet, to get my inflated, falling out of the dress boobs pic in!! As usual it goes for the blood and gore angle, preferring to discuss my accident, and the past. And Stephs fantastic true life recollection, of what coming out of the coma was like for him.

Anyway gone were any ideas of watching 'Under the Hammer'. Nigel mailed me to remind me to pick him a copy up because he was away. And I felt better, I'd say about 95%, so off I cycled and bought a couple of copies. Hey I actually sound quite eloquent!! not the usual na den stuff!! And of course it promotes cycling and the fab CTC, not Hillsborough though :( But it does go on to say how much I've enjoyed the chance to show that I have the mental capacity, to write. Which reminds me!! Have you heard of a guy called Norman Doidge? Well I'm buying his book 'The Brain that Changes Itself , because thats sooo my philosophy, if you fill your brain with positive things, it will change and repair and grow.

A minor misunderstanding when I sent s'one at the CTC a mail, with Lu and a x. I'm pleased to say once they had an explanation, that I always behaved in such a way. It was 'passed' as ok!! Has society lost all it's humility and depth? are we to become androids or s'thing?

Thank you Pete, my solitary reader. I didn't need the recipe, which convinces me, it was a reaction to the jab. xx

I aint well, or I haven't cycled?....both.

I ain't cycled since Friday, and I wish I had the oomph to make myself, I know I'd feel better. Instead I feel like I'm burning up, but I have no snotty nose or sore throat. It is possible it's a kick back of my flu jab? I want to feel different anyway. Pete called to make sure I was eating etc...:) I am lucky, I know.

Friday...:)

I'm really sorry Kevin, I have tried so hard to load the advert for the Inclusive Cycling Event on Friday the 28th of October in Oxford. It really sounds like it's gonna be fab, so I can bet my life you're involved.

Regarding the ICF meet on the 5th, I still can't say for definite, as I have no sponsor now for all the 'nice' things. Anyway isn't it at St Paul's where all the riots are going to be I don't doulbt? And there is a tiny question of my children?

My leg aches, it's defiantly to do with my socks though. I've got an appointment for the Drs on Monday! I know, it's stunning that it's so quick! I normally have 5 days to wait. My tummy aches, but that's a normal expectant thing, or the opposite to being expectant!!

I still feel mightily hung o'r from Monday, or s'things else is up. I'm not my usual positive self.

Oooh Sheffield Telegraph phoned this morning, and are doing a feature on the Story I wrote and read, at Headlines Launch. I expected the interest to be in the writing group, but that's not the case. They were interested in My old Dad, and his Bench and Ecclesall Woods. I put the phone down, and The Yorkshire Post called, but this time they wanted to know about the Writing group.

Hillsborough

I was actually dreading yesterday, because I'd get to hear about 'The Lovely Morris' whom we all miss like hell!! And I had a fear that they would want to give him back, and well , just how f* up would he be, getting passed on again?

So it was with a glum face and feelings of trepidation, that I greeted everyone on Thursday. OOoops plus embarrassment! many of the folk had seen me at The Launch on Monday, when I got very drunk and fell asleep in my curry!

Cycle For Health Arrived, and the group seems to grow each week, although it is the last week next week. Steven, his Physio, and his Carer arrived, again. It's always such a pleasure helping him to get started on his TMX because I can see the absolute pleasure he gets from it. And it gets easier every time, he is becoming more able to position and swing his legs (or we are I'm not sure which)

Speedy Sean, didn't show this week, which was probably just as well. The 2 Sues sauntered around the park, on the side by side, loving the very frosty but sunny day.

My fave group Autism Plus showed, so I separated the court with brightly coloured cones. So we didn't disturb CFH. I was very low, they didn't make me smile like they usually did, I've got to confess. I zoomed off to LIlies. on the butty run, to fetch Dave and I's Sandwich.

On my return, Dave was here (my contact with Morris) Phew, I felt massive relief as he told me things hed been up to. Although he still had insatiable energy levels. And did familiar things like nip when HE wanted to play!! It sounded like he was being loved? So I did feel a little better. Apart from (nowt to do wi Morris) but my left lower leg, is aching!! it's really weird, but it actually feels bruised?? on the outside? but I ain't had any trauma with it. It's been like it for a week. And I do think it s'think to do with my support sock? or the pressure in my leg? Sorry to digress.

I called in to see Mum, on the way back. And stayed about 30mins, but it is difficult having a one way conversation. Even for me!!

I cycled back, which does not hurt my leg at all, but neither does the impact of walking, it's just external pressure. Anyway, I've actually booked an appointment at my GPs!!

Pete's A Star

I forgot to mention, on Monday, with my Make up and Hair do, and pinching pretty frock. (the Palace one!!) I cycled back from the hair dressers, like a Tart. Only for my dress to get tangled in the chain on Ziggy, causing the chain guard tube thing to ride up and get all gnarled up, on the sprocket!! Anyway, I just forgot about it yesterday, remembering this morning, when I realised I'd got my annual inoculation, against Flu. I just happened to mention, a little bit like a damsel in distress :) Ziggy was poorly, to Pete my neighbour, who came round unscrewed something and fed the casing back towards the rear. Tightened it up again and Hey Presto! I was back in business. x

I can't go out without attracting lots of attention?? I do love it really I mustn't grumble, I'd grumble more if no one ever noticed me. Anyway, I've forgotten the chaps name now, but we had a right long chat about my cycle Oooooh and his!!

Had my jab, only a little prick :)

Cycled back, and boy I'd forgotten just how hard it is to Cycle the school run. Because tonight was Parent Evening. So off I set, thankful for knowing Pete.
I was told off a bit by Mrs Wile man, for keeping Finn up too late.

Hello, I am still here...

Sorry, I just haven't felt much like been jovial, and a barrel of laughs. Because I keep wondering about poor Morris, and praying? ...hoping, he's happy. It makes me cry just thinking of him, and I only had him a month. (I did take him for 120 walks in that time though!!) So his behaviour had become predictable, and it kinda defeated the reason for getting him. So the kids could get pleasure. Because it just wasn't wise to let the kids deal with dog fights! We are getting another, but one without any history, this time. Which I know will be a pain because we will have to train it etc. But I'd rather that than go through a similar heart break. We've decided on a whippet, so it's still small enough to pick up and take in the car. (plus the kids loved Robbie sooo much) And it just suits, 4 walks a day, but quick blasts chasing a ball.

Cycle Nation in Sheffield, brought Kev and Bridgette Hickman, up to Sheffield. And I'm delighted, that they supported me by hanging on, an extra day for 'The Launch.'

The writing group I am involved in, who have all experienced Coma, or severe head injury. Produced a 'Book' ok, ok so it was more like a book-let. But it was definitely more than a Leaflet, which my little girl had called it!! In it were 6 stories, all writen by a group member. Everyone was deep, and philosophical apart from mine which, was a bit pink and fluffy. If you want one, contact me via cardouglas10@hotmail.com cost is £3.50 including P&P.

The evening began early for me, because I'd arrived there early with Matt to help set up, and meet Miriam for a.......small drink!!

I returned to see folk arriving, and Wow so many really important bods. In the world of Health and Neurology. And Cycling, well important to me anyway!! Fred, Dave, David, Steve M, Pam and her husband, Kev and Bridgette, Nigel West, Miriam. Hannah, Nicky, Ruby. And then there was the Consultants within the field of Neurology.

I quaffed wine as I listened intently to the others, then it was my turn, I made some lame (no pun intended) attempt at humour, because I had felt it was a bit too serious. (I know it's a serious subject..but) Folk laughed politely as I tried to squash my boobs back in my dress!! I looked like ' Barbra Windsor' All small and Dumpy, with a dress that was too small. But I didn't care I was on a bit of a drunken roll!!

I know I maybe shouldn't have a favourite story..but.. I think the first one called Blue Polystyrene Shoes, by Steph was the most descriptive about the awakening from Coma. So there fore the most relevant.

I went for a drink after with a few folk, got absolutely wasted!! I can't say no its the 21 year old in me!! Fell asleep in my curry. Fred got me a taxi, and Lawrence jumped in, (i dropped him off) Next thing I knew, it was 4 am. I was scantily clad on the settee. But I still had my shoes on!! I hadn't made it upstairs.

Right Decision.....Wrong dog :(

I can't write for the keys and screen are blurred. I wish he was as lovely with other dogs, things would have been differen't. But I aint physically strong enough to seperate him, and he will only let go when he feels like it.

But 5 weeks, and 175 walks later, I just don't/didn't trust him. I have let this young couple who said they would look after him because they had trained Border Collies?? I have given them a list of phone numbers including mine, and Thornbury Animal Sanctuary, as they said they would retrain him, but were just too full.

I really know I've passed on the problem, I just really thought he would be better if he had another chance before he went to Thornbury, which is where I have a feeling he will end up.

But I am grateful for the Mornings we had on the Park, and the lovely sunsets too.

And although Robbie (my friends dog, we looked after) isn't for sale, we definately want another. But one without a history this time.

Hi to everyone in Sheffield for the conference, I hope to see some of you on Monday Evening too, at The Launch.

Sad post....even sadder day.

Hillsbrough......so busy

Ok, I'm too tired, to go into massive detail, but I'll probably end up doing just that.

I was so pleased that Steven, the Guy with Cerebral Palsy had returned, because I reckon he's maybe 25-30 (i'm possibly way out) and maybe he needs some stimulus, and to be able to achieve self propelled movement. Not for mobility, because he uses his electric wheelchair, but for self esteem and pride (am I revealing inner feelings that I had?) He was supported by his Carer and his Physio. It took 5 of us, to get him comfortable and safe on an Upright Tricycle (TMX) which had big paddle, looking rests for his feet, so they could be strapped safely to the pedals. What an ace feeling it was watching him move. :) I think by the end of his session, he was tired, and excited at what he could eventually achieve. He does live in Barnsley though, and I believe there is a new Inclusive Cycling there, so he may check that out. But either way, I reckon, we gave him a day to remember. (i told you I'd go on.....~) Folk like him make it all worthwhile.

Meanwhile CFH and Dave and Sonia, were having fun on the other half of the court. And Singing Sean, was tonning it around the park, with his carer, desperately trying to keep up. (the tandem, that was promised to Nigel West, would be ideal for Sean and a Carer) We kept yelling at him to slow down!!

Happy Days arrived, and were soon cycling around the park, on the 2 Velor Plus' that Hillsborough have.

Sue and Sue, arrived, having been recommended by the lovely Miriam from Zest. No wonder I split myself in 2 sometimes, to help out at Zest, because it's nice to be nice.

We all assembled in the cabin for drinks at 12. Did I say Steve Marsden, had arrived to see us being busy, which is nice. (i think last time he came, I just made drinks at ate CAKE)

Sue and Richard, Marcel, Russel and some more from the Well being group, had arrived. We were running out of chairs!!!!

Sorry to just make it boringly factual without any injection of my usual wit and panache. (I think I've got wit and panache, others beg to differ)

I'm just off to do a Reading at the University, and straight onto Zest, with my Trike. (A favour for Miriam really)

I forgot to mention this

There is a 'meet' on the 27th of October, for some 'Off Road Inclusive Cycling' at Hicks Lodge in Leceister/Derbyshire? I'm not sure who to contact other than Cycling Projects and Bike Club?

Mmmm, let me think what have I been upto? I was asked to attend a meeting at SS in Sheffield. And I have to say they were very Politically Correct, when I asked them which catogeraphy they put the brain injured folk? Their reply was a lot come under physical, and all come under cognitive. Oh and the main theme of the meet was actively only promote, those Services which used Co production. And their was talk of publicity drives for business' that want to effectively use Co Production.

I got home and thought about it, and a more successful Partnership than Hillsborough and Myself it would be hard to find. So maybe that will lead to some publicity, although at the moment Hillsborough, doesn't charge for any cycle training.

Ooooh Tuesday, began as every morning does at the moment with me and my son taking Morris on the Park at 645am.

And you know how obliging and nice I am? (not like that....enough ;) Well it was the first time I'd met 'Headway' since they didn't show for their Cycling Session at Hillsborough, and they obviously didn't realise? that we were expecting s'one, or at least a phone call, to say that lots of young people, didn't want to learn a way of using personal mobility to get about? When I asked what happened on the 8th of Sept, the reply was they couldn't force members to cycle!! They might possibly use a story opposite to my Wellbeing story about 'The Bench' with Cycle Trainers........Stop !! I might get prosecuted for slander!!:D

Today is Sunday!!

Yesterday, was in fact Friday. :)

I had a relative lie in this morning until 7 (lucky me!!) There's no glorious pics of sunrise, it was a gloomy drizzle!!

Nowt exciting, in fact I feel a bit silly now, for even signing in. I Did cycle to the bus stop, and I Did cycle home. After paying extortionate amounts of money for a taxi, because I got totally bloody stranded when I arrived in town, only to find out the buses were stopping due to some fun run???

I'm going to a meeting tomorrow, to discuss, tokens/expenses/Hillsborough/Record Of Involvement.

Wakey wakey, I'm going now :) night.

Tears!!

I am a happy person honestly :) most of the time!! Hey I've just remembered, I got up at 530 and took Morris out, and saw this.

Spoke to a few important folk, everyone does seem to be on a downer, which is effecting me a little, just because I grasp happiness in my hands like sand, and I can feel it escaping through my fingers, as every person or idea I seem to run to with enthusiasm, is saying NO. However I do have a plan, and you know what I'm like I'm bursting to say.....but not yet.

It was Fantastic Brockwood today :) I do like Brockwood. But today was difficult. I honestly didn't know what to say, when I was hearing stories of people who had aged or had learning difficulties. Who were faced with having to move care homes because their budget didnt reach the required amount. Eeek that was a toughie!! I don't know the answer?

All I could say was how it was for me, and tell them who might know.

I did the normal thing, and started to tell the story of my life post 27/06/88, and that black couple of years when I first claimed my Benefits and my husband left. And how much it had changed since I discovered cycling.And all the things that had led me to do, and the fascinating folk I had met along the way. That day the day had taken a different format, wi folk just asking questions. We broke for a drink and this student came up and said 'I think I know you! we started work together at Middlewood Hospital, I recognised her now!! She went on to say how she'd read the front page of The Star ' the night of my accident. And cried!! ahhh, bless her she was all watery eyed as she said. And I started crying then!! Everyone in the class got the drift, and we all went a bit mushy about one another. Hey, and she owns a Tandem!! so we're gonna meet in the Park.

I sold some more books!! and advertised October the 17th.

Despite not seeing eye to eye with my wee gir.....sorry 19 year old. In her head that is!!!! We went to The Spit for Fishy Friday. And do you know, I got soo drunk, I haven't done that for ages, I fell over in the kitchen, on my return having cycled!! (on the safest mode of transport!!)

Mmmm What Else? Oh I've been asked if I'll be on the board for this fantastic company, who are offering services. It doesn't appear there is owt in it for me, but I do love the guys who have started the business, it's called Accesssocialcare@hotmail.co.uk

Quickie :)

Fortunately Nick took the batten off me, with regard Nhs delegates visiting Hillsborough, to discuss raising funds.

Steven came today for the first time after his Social Worker had recommenced it (i must find out who she is)

Lawrence returned :)but I'm not sure whether he joined CFH or Cycling For All, because he was there at 10 and looking comfy, when I left at 2. As was Sean, he is a usual for lunch now, along with his carer. He makes me smile, singing in an operatic voice, how I sounded like a 'Green Bird'??? What's a green bird?

Russel got out his spam collection again!! much to the amusement of everyone!!

I do hope John Boileau gets in touch.

Zest want to quote me !!!! So I agreed, as long as they put in about Cycling :)

And Wheels For Wellbeing are starting up a new website, called Disability Cycling. Since when has Cycling ever been Disabling? I will still try and support it though!!

I've sold 26 copies of Headlines, but unfortunately, urm.... I ha vent kept the money!! but I did find most of it. Matt dropped me off another 10 today, because I'm off to Brokwood tomorrow.

I called to see my Mum, who slept, and then cycled back in the most torrential rain.

NHS Delegates

Today, I was one of a team of guest speakers, from Altogether Better, at a lunchtime meet in Bradford, to GPs and Project Managers, within the Health Service.

Hi if I spoke to you today, you were all fantastic, and gave us such a warm reception. I was really touched :)

And how exciting I've got real interest in funding for Hillsborough in March, not just for me either. So I'm really excited about that.

My lovely friend Pete had to call and let Morris out, and Richard 'touched up' the fence :D

I sold another 20 publications ....(leaflets :D no they are a bit thicker) But I refused to sign them!! even though I was asked 3 times!! We had tears again! but folk did say, it was because my story was so happy.

5 ingredients for happiness

You know like the Government, and Health Organisations recommend 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day. Well remember I met Nic Marks last week? I thought I'd just follow it up with an insight into what he's on about. I do hope he gets in touch and wants to use me as an example. I supposed I should be a little hurt, by s'one wanting to use me, because in their eyes I am the epitome of society's image of a woman whose got every reason to be very sad!! But because on a daily basis i practise 5 of the following things, I'm not. I happen to be happy.
1) CONNECT: I exchange meaningful feelings, of gratitude.
2)BE ACTIVE: I cycle, most days, and exercise my dog, at least, twice a day.
3))TAKE NOTICE: I am alert(most of the time) taking notice of bulletins, conversations.
4) KEEP LEARNING: I need too ;)
5) GIVE: If you aint got a lot of cash, give time.

He did recognise that I had a sense of humour!! Which until 5years ago I wasn't really confident enough to share with strangers. I know it's hard to believe!! Me!! who readily discuss' my 'Cycle'

John Frost

My extremely nice computer guy , the one who only accepts cash;) if you get my drift. Rang me up this afternoon.And as it was, totally out of the blue. And asked if me and my kids, would like to go in 'his box' - OOooo er, (but it wasn't that) at the Sheffield Steelers match against Hull Sting Rays, playing ice hockey that evening. We met some sound folk in his Box ;) and my kids loved it. So Thank you John, even though you admitted after, I was kinda bottom of your list!!!

Oh forgot, the day was so hot for flippen October!!!

My day had began at 630, I do love my morning stroll, I've got to admit though I did hang back until it got light about 7.

Sped off to see my Mum at about 10, I did get there without incident, but as I reached my Nemesis, where I cheat and go round the corner on the pavement. A pedestrian from the other side of the road yelled, pull in love, there's a queue of traffic behind ya!! Ooops, I did, but only when I would have done anyway!! and yep...15cars!!

I took my Story, to read to Mum, because It was about Dad, and his beloved Ecclesall Woods. With a subliminal message about cycling :D (you know the kind, if you read it backwards at midnight, the soles of your feet will develop cleats, or you will sign away your soul to the CTC) . But alas, she fell asleep!!!

Hillsborough

I was a bit tired, but to be honest I usually feel so invigorated. So I arrived there, and was really pleased to see Dave back and Simone, no one had dropped out of the small (5) CFH group which was nice. I'm really pleased that folk from all the groups that attend, aren't shy about asking me for owt, you know, it's just nice to belong to everyone. I caught up with CFH, who were cycling randomly around bollards, and laughing and chatting. Meanwhile Sean had arrived with his carer, and he seems to stop longer each week, (he brought his lunch) Natalie arrived with Darren, they both use KMXs and look after themselves. The mental Health group started arriving gradually, I just had to make sure that I hadn't upset anyone last week, at the nominations. Ahhh Ellie appeared, I haven't seen her for a while, so 'Hi Ellie, it was nice to chat' she lives not too far away, and says she could make it to Millhouses Park, so I gave her my moby no.

Nick took, Happy Home? around on the velor Plus, there are 2 wheelchair cyclists who come each week., and need to take it in turns.
Oh forgot to mention, my fave group Autism Plus arrived, they are mostly big men, who don't walk very easily and never run. And they get so much out of just being able to race around the courts on their chosen cycle.
Miriam arrived, but not for me, she was taking s'one bowling. It was such a scorching day!!
I do love the community at Hillsborough Park.
Dave Santa, had to buy me lunch because like a 'Dolls Ed' I'd forgotten my purse.

I arrived home, having left Morris for 5hours, which is quite long, (although he did go for a walk at 7) and bless him, he was so excited, when I walked in the kitchen, he weed on my foot!! He couldn't cry, wag his tail and kiss me.........so he got in a state and wazed on my foot!!

Nic Marks :)

The Well being event yesterday, hosted by the SHSC was brilliant, it was full of such interesting folk. The day began with Nigel West collecting me, and poor Nige, I do take his friendship for granted at times, because he is an important person. And he does see me and my family, including the new addition, warts and all. In fact Morris was the reason, he called!

We had a quick revision, of what was expected, before we arrived, and we arranged for me to keep it, fairly simple (don't laugh!!) and he would follow on, with an appeal for funding for Hillsborough maybe? and a reminder, that on the 17th of October, they could hear me again. At the book launch. I wish I was techy...and could advertise the Cap book which costs £3 plus P&P.....Bargain!!

Oh bugger, I started to network and mingle once there, and bumped into the very lovely, Jeanette Thompson, Director of Sheffield's SDS, oooh I hadn't included them in my story. And I do try and mention folk. But I consciously didn't want it to become a long list of Folk. Because it would dilute the importance of me Cycling.

I was shown to my seat which was next to the funniest awe inspiring guy I've met in a while, his name was Nic Marks. Apparently folk in the room were pleased, about this?? not too sure why?

It was basically billed as been Nics 'Gig' and he had a huge stage prescience, the room was transfixed by his interesting theories on 'Happiness' and how we judge happiness. Google him, he's worth a read.

I congratulated him and told him to clap for me when it was my turn.

Dr Aki Tsuchiya was next, I would find her psychology lectures really interesting. I could procrastinate about them for hours, and possibly get into a lot of (the child in me, wants to say...Mass debates) but I'm grown up!!!

I read my bit, and sat listening to the silence again, I glanced up at Nic....still silence. But on cue, and thankfully everyone laughed at the punch line!! phew....I hope I made folk realise just how immense the whole experience of being a Health Champion, has been for me. I returned to my seat, Nigel gave me the thumbs up and Nic said all the right things. And that I was a fantastic example of the 5 ways to Happiness, and would I be a case study in his book? Of course I'd love that, but no one has taught me ......I'm just me!! But it is the ethos, that the Health Champions work with.

What else......

I am so impressed that buses, now take mobility scooters, I still don't think I will take Ziggy on, but maybe?